M. Night Shyamalan – The Horror Writers

Worst Review: Split

There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about [Ed. I care about Anya Taylor Joy], it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

Just to clarify that I have no idea what I am writing about. Here is the first paragraph again to make it look like this review has depth even though it is a giant disclaimer stating that I have not watched this film. There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about, it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

Split is a film that follows Buster Bluth in his years after Arrested Development doing things that people with split personalities do, such as shift personalities. I’m not exactly sure what has made him so angry throughout this film as many speculate different reasons, mine being that after the Banana Stand got burned down, he was given an expired coupon. Along with Buster, the film features some sort of screwy M. Night Shyamalan twist where it turns out that the film doesn’t really follow Buster Bluth but rather it turns out that it was James McAvoy the entire time. This is as shocking as when the balding guy in The Sixth Sense was Bruce Willis the entire time and honestly I can’t think of anything else to make up about this film so here is the disclaimer again.

There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about, it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

[SPOILER ALERT, IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T ACCIDENTALLY FOUND OUT THE SHYAMALAN TWIST YET]

Am I looking forward to the sequel to this that crosses over into Unbreakable? Yes, especially since some dumb shit article’s headline on Facebook ruined that whole surprise for me. Needless to say, that may be the only correct that that I have said during this whole review but here is the disclaimer again

You can find some spoilery thoughts on Split here.

Split: Spoilery Thoughts

Let’s talk about the ending of Split. Massive SPOILERS ahead. Turn back if you don’t want the ending spoiled.

Alright. Here we go.

At the end of Split, we find out that this takes place in the same universe as Unbreakable. Split wasn’t the story of a man with multiple personalities: it was a supervillain origin story. That’s a pretty cool reveal, but the way it is reveals makes absolutely zero sense.

After Casey is rescued, the news runs a story on the events. Basically, a man with multiple personalities kidnapped three girls, killed and partially devoured two of them and killed his psychiatrist by crushing her to death with his veiny, mini-Bane arms.

Those exact details come out (except for the part about Bane). We see this on a TV at a diner. Immediately after hearing this news, a woman at the counter says, “Wasn’t there that guy in the wheelchair 15 years ago? What was his name?” Then Bruce Willis – David Dunn from Unbreakable – says, “Mr. Glass,” and the Unbreakable music swells and tells us that we should be feeling a lot of feelings.

But here’s the thing: to the casual observer, Mr. Glass and The Horde (as James McAvoy’s amalgam of personalities in Split was being referred to) were absolutely nothing alike. The Horde kidnapped and ate people. Mr. Glass was an art dealer with brittle bones who derailed a train and caused a number of other small-scale disasters (airport bombings, hotel fires, etc.).

We – the audience – know they’re connected, but the random person living in that universe wouldn’t have any reason to connect those two. These are two seemingly unconnected events that happened 15 years apart. The Horde is a kidnapper/murderer. Mr. Glass is a terrorist. Aside from the fact that they were given nicknames, there is nothing to suggest that these two criminals are connected in any way.

The events of Unbreakable and Split both occur in Philadelphia. For a woman to connect these two events this quickly seems to imply that no criminal activity has occurred in Philadelphia in 15 years. If she sees one crime and immediately connects it to another totally separate crime, that means nothing else of note has happened in 15 years.

But let’s say that there has been crime in Philadelphia over that time, because of course there has been. David Dunn started on his superhero journey 15 years before the events of Split when he encountered Mr. Glass. Since Unbreakable served as Dunn’s superhero origin story, it’s safe to assume that Mr. Glass is not the first criminal that he helped put away. If we have learned anything about superhero movies it’s that the arrival of a superhero seems to be quickly followed by a series of supervillains. Following that well-worn formula, The Horde wouldn’t have been the first supervillain to emerge in Philadelphia in 15 years. If we assume Philadelphia has become a sort of hub for supervillains, a more realistic response would have been, “Wasn’t there that guy that shattered concrete with his mind 6 months ago? What was his name?” Then David Dunn would have been all, “The Concrete Juggler,” then get hit with the Unbreakable music.

Okay, so, from our perspective that wouldn’t have worked because we have no frame of reference for any supervillain other than Mr. Glass. So try this one one: we see the news report on the TV in the rec room of a mental institution. The camera pans around the room until it settles on Mr. Glass in a wheelchair. He smiles and slowly begins laughing. The Unbreakable music starts. As the camera pans out, we see the entire room is watching the TV and laughing in sinister unison. Abrupt cut to black.