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Worst Review: Split

There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about [Ed. I care about Anya Taylor Joy], it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

Just to clarify that I have no idea what I am writing about. Here is the first paragraph again to make it look like this review has depth even though it is a giant disclaimer stating that I have not watched this film.  There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about, it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

Split is a film that follows Buster Bluth in his years after Arrested Development doing things that people with split personalities do, such as shift personalities. I’m not exactly sure what has made him so angry throughout this film as many speculate different reasons, mine being that after the Banana Stand got burned down, he was given an expired coupon. Along with Buster, the film features some sort of screwy M. Night Shyamalan twist where it turns out that the film doesn’t really follow Buster Bluth but rather it turns out that it was James McAvoy the entire time. This is as shocking as when the balding guy in The Sixth Sense was Bruce Willis the entire time and honestly I can’t think of anything else to make up about this film so here is the disclaimer again.

There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about, it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

[SPOILER ALERT, IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T ACCIDENTALLY FOUND OUT THE SHYAMALAN TWIST YET]

Am I looking forward to the sequel to this that crosses over into Unbreakable? Yes, especially since some dumb shit article’s headline on Facebook ruined that whole surprise for me. Needless to say, that may be the only correct that that I have said during this whole review but here is the disclaimer again

There has been a lot of buzz circling around M. Night Shyamalan newest film Split, featuring James McAvoy and some actors that nobody cares about, it has been regarded as the director’s comeback film as many consider a lot of his more recent work to be garbage. Needless to say, I have not watched this film but I am going to write a review anyway. You will click it and waste your time reading this paragraph only to realize that I am just making things up. As usual, if you don’t like it then there are 1 million other online reviews to choose from, but if you feel as though you would enjoy the trainwreck that is this review, please carry on.

You can find some spoilery thoughts on Split here.

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Blair Witch: A Review From Someone Who Has Not Seen The Movie

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This is literally the worst review of a movie possible by a guy who didn’t see the movie

Before you get too into this review, please note that the title basically serves as a disclaimer: due to the fact that I am reviewing this film without having watched it, I’m just going to make up random nonsense that I hope you, the reader, enjoy or find yourself consumed by. If you shake your head and ask yourself “what has this guy been smoking” while reading this, then I have succeeded. Besides, you’ve probably already read reviews and are looking for something to sway your opinion as far as seeing this film goes. Well, look no further. This review will do it.

Blair Witch 2016 is a film from some guy who is probably semi famous and directed by a guy whose name I wouldn’t recognize. Then random people that nobody has ever heard of will run around in the woods with cameras filming things.  Sometimes scary things happen and these people react to it. It’s very interesting how terrifying the rustling of leaves is but what do you expect when you’re running through the woods high on PCP looking for a witch? Personally, I feel as though they should have left the job up to Scooby Doo because it was obvious throughout the film that the witch wasn’t real, it was just somebody dressed up in a costume trying to scare people away from their gold. Very generic standard stuff and it left me wondering.  It’s 2016. Haven’t they invented a cough and cold medicine that will keep your snot off of the camera lens? At least carry a Kleenex or two, or wipe your nose with a leaf.

Truly, the best part about this film was the opening scene whenever the camera is sitting idle and people keep looking into it and talking to it, it’s as though they’re speaking to a real living being but there are intervals in between each time they would communicate with the camera, at one point, there was a New Years party. Now I may have just described a scene from Robocop but Robocop was a good movie.  An amazing film by Paul Verhoeven.  This is a man that isn’t just a robot, he isn’t just a cop, he is a MOTHAFUCKIN ROBOCOP.

If I am being honest, you should probably just pass on Blair Witch ’16 and watch Robocop instead. I am talking the original with all of the pure 80s fun.

As for Blair Witch ’16 overall, I don’t think you should take the time to see it. You should go see Nine Lives instead. You know, that Kevin Spacey film where he voices a cat? Yeah, that one. Go see it instead of Blair Witch ’16. I give Blair Witch ’16, 2 stars for even making me write all of this mess without even watching it. There isn’t some underlying message of “DON’T SEE REBOOTS/REMAKES” or maybe there is.  I’ll let you be the judge of that.  But if there is any one thing you need to understand from my writing, it is this: Robocop is a damn fine piece of cinema.

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Krampus: Movie Review

It’s a bit late in the year for me to be writing this (due to the film in question being a holiday film), but you’ve heard of Christmas in July, have you not? It’s approaching and so, with that, I would like to talk about the film Krampus, while I am listening to the Jailbreak album by Thin Lizzy.
Before I get started, I need to state that I haven’t seen Krampus since it was out in theaters, but I bought it today for $11.99 and decided to write about it despite not having watched it.  I am sure will make for a very interesting, yet fun read. So here we go…

Krampus, the 2015 film directed by Michael Dougherty (Trick r Treat) is a Christmas themed horror/comedy film and not a straight-to-DVD film that you would have found back in November (I’m looking at you Krampus: The Reckoning). Krampus stars some familiar faces, such as the guy from Parks and Rec (Adam Scott), the bald man that shouts “whammy” in anchor man (David Koechner), the grumpy maid from Two And a Half Men (Conchata Ferrell), and the kid from Jumanji (you’ll get it once you watch the film) as they attempt to survive Christmas Eve as Krampus does mean, Krampusy things.

For me this film played out perfectly. It was one of the best films that I have seen in theaters in the past year.  However, if I’m not mistaken, it had gotten mixed reviews from people who were pissed that it wasn’t “scary enough” or that it wasn’t “funny enough.”  It’s a damn Christmas movie, you morons.  There needs to be a balance somewhere between “scary” and “funny,” and Krampus found that middle ground perfectly. It played out like Gremlins in a lot of ways; if you’re a kid, it will probably give you nightmares, but as an adult you can chuckle at it.

I absolutely love the dry humor in it.  I’m not sure if that’s the proper phrase but when something comedic plays out, it isn’t thrown in your face like it is in Adam Sandler movies. This felt more like Ghostbusters humor.

Really, at this point in writing, I’m certain that I’ve covered enough about Krampus. What’s my pitch to go see it? This terrible write up about it? Yeah boooooiiii, you better believe it. Despite it being a bit late in the year, go out and grab a copy and save it for the holiday season. But this review is a Horror-Writers exclusive. CHRISTMAS IN JULY, before any other horror website could start posting about holiday movies to check out, we did it.

Now on another, slightly more important topic: can we discuss how the worlds governments are being run by a race of reptilian humanoids?