Dracula 3d is a 2013 movie. Allegedly. I watched it back in 2013. Allegedly.
To this day I still could not tell you how I discovered Dracula 3D. I don’t believe anyone told me about it because in 2013, people genuinely cared for one another. I also don’t believe I found it through a website because I am still fully convinced that it’s a shared hallucination between Dusty Evely and I.
This movie is a Tulpa. It only exists because of some bizarre fever dream I had that thrust it upon the world while suffering from a bronchial infection (I had three that year. Rough year). I remember that I was mainly doing the editing of submitted articles and stories back then but would occasionally dip my toes into the world of reviewing. So what would make me go out of my way to search for this atrocity? Why would I subject myself (and later poor, poor Dusty) to this?
From what I remember, Dracula 3D stars Asia Argento, who was well loved in the horror community back then (This was before the news about the statutory rape of Jimmy Bennett came out) and having her star was a solid idea. Maybe that’s how it happened. I had watched Land of the Dead and thought to myself “What if Asia Argento was in a Dracula movie…AND WHAT IF THAT MOVIE WAS 3D?”
Reader, I want to apologize for this. I had no idea what I was doing in my feverish state. I have no idea what ritual I completed that brought this into the world.
Details are hazy. There’s Dracula, weird sex in a barn, a praying mantis? For some reason? Can that be right? What does a praying mantis have to do with Dracula? Was it on a train?
I tried to search information on this movie and my monitor kept flickering. The sounds of static and a deep humming filled my ears. I felt the reverberations in my heart and in my stomach. Again I think of the mantis. It always comes back to the mantis. Has anyone other than Dusty and I seen this movie? Does it exist outside of our minds? It this just our eternal bond? Has Dusty even seen it or did I imagine that as well?
I think back again to watching it. Did I stream it? Download it? Get a DVD copy? The memories are starting to hurt. My head aches. I type this now with closed eyes, feverishly striking the keys and hoping that they land true.
My head clears and I think harder. I remember writing a review for it but that review, much like this movie, does not exist. I can’t find it anywhere. Even using the wayback machine. Can that be true?
I can remember nothing else that happened in this movie. There is a black spot in my mind almost as if it’s been expunged. Did I block it out? Repress it? The mental block is real. Allegedly.
Look, I started writing this because I was going to talk about all the weird and dumb stuff that happens in this movie and why it’s still to this day the worst movie I’ve ever seen but then I couldn’t remember anything about it, or even find anything about it online. I feel ill. There is a darkness in me. Don’t read this review. Don’t try to find this movie. This movie does not exist.