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Transmissions from ScareFest X

Ah, ScareFest. Truly the most wonderful weekend of the year.

This was a big one. For the 10th anniversary of the convention, they held a Nightmare on Elm Street reunion. Robert Englund, Amanda Wyss, Ronee Blakely, Brooke Bundy, Tuesday Knight, Lisa Wilcox, Andras Jones, Ricky Dean Logan, Miko Hughes and more, all there to help celebrate the 10th anniversary of this incredible con.

There were a lot of non-Nightmare celebrities in attendance as well. Dee Wallace, Danny Trejo, Kristy Swanson, Barry Bostwick, John Kassir and the normal assortment of ghost hunters that I have passing familiarity with.

I always get excited to see what celebrities are coming to the conventions I’ll be attending. To be honest with you, I don’t know why I do it. With the exception of a couple moments – like, say, the chance to get Joyce Summers to wear Wolverine claws – I never go up and talk to celebrities. It’s a combination of not having money and not knowing what to say. I know I’ll end up talking like I’m hosting The Chris Farley Show. “Hey. Remember when you killed that guy? That was awesome.”

I’ll go to the occasional panel, but I spend the bulk of my time walking the floor talking to people. People running the booths. People dressed up as their favorite horror icons. People eating lunch. Just people, man.

So let’s get to it. Who did I meet this year? What wonders did these eyes uncover? And, more importantly, who will survive and what will be left of them?

I met this gentleclown last year. His name is Calypso and he has been doing this for a very long time. See that black thing he’s carrying? That’s his homemade air cannon. He walks around the floor on stilts, blasting the air cannon at unsuspecting passerbys. But he doesn’t just shoot at anyone: he’s into the psychology of it. He likes to read people. If they seem like they won’t enjoy being messed with by a 7’5″ clown with an air cannon, he moves onto the next person.

If you happen to encounter him when he’s not terrorizing the villagers, I highly recommend starting up a conversation with him. He’s terrific.

Also, it’s worth noting that I have issues walking the floor as a regular person. Putting on stilts and navigating through the horde? No thank you.

Billy the Puppet likes JIGsaws, not CHAINsaws, you halfwit.

As always, Circus Envy and the Deadly Sins were at their normal booth. I feel like I talk about them every year, but I cannot stress this enough: they are some of the friendliest people you could meet. When they’re not putting on their show, you can find them talking to anyone and everyone who comes up to them, whether that’s at their booth or while walking the floor. They seem to love being there and they love interacting with people.

Here is Creepy Ronald “Pennywise” McDonald.  She’s the best. They’re all the best. Best best best.

Speaking of Pennywise, here we have BFFs Pennywise and Georgie. Terrific costumes, but I didn’t care for the way Pennywise was looking at me.

It was odd. I turned around for a minute and when I turned back, it was just a giant spider. Crazy world, man.

Pennywise waiting in line to meet Robert Englund. Just goes to show you that even your heroes have heroes.

This was my favorite moment of the weekend. The man crouching is Andras Jones. You may know him as Rick, the karate-loving high school student in Nightmare on Elm Street 4. This was immediately after the Nightmare on Elm Street panel and he was making his way back to his table. A lot celebrities that go to conventions make a beeline for their table and don’t really interact with fans unless they’re back there.

Andras saw a little girl dressed like Rick on the way back. Not only did he stop to chat, he crouched down to get on her level; to make sure he was eye-to-eye with her. I absolutely loved this. I’m not going to lie: I think a speck of dust got in my eye as I was taking this picture.

Hey. Speaking of the Nightmare on Elm Street panel…

It was a tremendous amount of fun and I learned a lot about the series as a whole, but there was one other thing I learned: when you have a long-running series and one actor is firmly in the center of every one, the vast majority of the questions are going to be answered by that one actor. Granted, when you have a star as well-known and charismatic as Robert Englund, it’s going to be a good panel. But I began to feel bad for those who weren’t as involved.

Amanda Wyss was in maybe 15 minutes of the first movie, but she was the first of Freddy’s on-screen victims, so she got to answer a couple questions. Andras Jones didn’t get any questions directed his way, but he was sitting next to Englund and is an outgoing guy, so he piped in on some questions that weren’t directed his way. Brooke Bundy proved herself to be extremely adept at comically cynical one-liners. But Miko Hughes – the son of Heather Langenkamp in New Nightmare – sat at the end of the table, silent as could be. Not a single question came his way, nor did a single opportunity to jump in on someone else’s question.

It was a fun panel – it was my first time seeing Robert Englund in person and that dude can command a room like few others I’ve seen – but I left feeling slightly bad for those who were less involved in the series.

One final note on this panel: Andras Jones repeatedly referred to Lisa Wilcox as “sis.” I love that.

This is just perfect. I can’t imagine it would be comfortable to walk the hot convention floor in a plastic bag, but I’m glad she did. I sincerely hope Amanda Wyss saw this.

This guy was standing in the entrance, staring like a maniac and moving his fingers in a supremely unnerving fashion. I loved him.

This Killer Klowns costume was…
[Don’t do it, Dusty. Don’t do it.]
KILLER.
I’m not even sorry.

More from Circus Envy. I cannot stress how much I love this group.

Dinosaur trainer and her dinosaur OH MAN LOOK AT THE LITTLE GIRL’S FACE!

The costume is too big for her, so that T-Rex shuffled all around the floor. Maybe the cutest thing I saw all weekend.

(Please take note of the discoloration in the bottom left corner. HAUNTED FLOOR!)

Also in the running for cutest thing I saw, this little girl with her hand on R2-D2. She wants to be Luke Skywalker in Rey’s vision so bad.

Absolutely my favorite costume of the weekend. She’s Beauty and The Beast. It’s so simple and so clever and so perfectly done. Words cannot stress how much I love this outfit.

If you’ve ever talked to me or read anything I’ve written, you know how much I love Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. I know I’m not alone; it’s highly regarded by a lot of horror fans. That’s why it’s so strange that I rarely see anyone dressed as the titular villain/hero/killer. So, when I come across someone dressed as Leslie Vernon, I proceed to get super excited, jump up and down and take pictures.

Such a cool looking costume. I need more Leslie Vernons at my conventions.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but Freddy’s eating the pizza filled with meatballs with human faces is one of my least favorite scenes in the series. It makes my skin crawl.

Anyway, here is Freddy serving up some “soul food.” I did not look closely at the pizza, so I cannot confirm if there were faces. For my own peace of mind, I’m going to go ahead and assume that it was just a normal pizza. No faces at all, no sir.

This was at the back of the floor. This man was huge and had arms that didn’t seem capable of doing anything but sticking straight out. I have no idea how he made it through all the aisles and I don’t particularly care. I’m proud of you, Mr. Count Chocula, sir.

I would also like an official Count Chocula meddallion. No rush or anything, but Christmas would be cool.

Like the terrible journalist I am, I neglected to get this artist’s name. Every time I walked by, he was working on this charcoal piece of Nosferatu. It’s incredible.

Jareth, The Goblin King. More approachable than I would have though, given the whole “goblin” thing.

They’re looking at me. They’re both looking at me. My time has come. Tell my family I love them.

/checks calendar

Oh, nevermind. The Purge isn’t for another month or so. GET LOST, HIPPIES.

This was a husband/wife team. I’ve seen them before and I’ve never bought anything. I have no idea why. The paintings are amazing, but it’s the wood burning that really drew me in. All of them are done by hand. They have a perfect recreation of the poster for Freaks – you can see it a little to the left of the man in the picture – that took them over a week to create. It’s perfect. It’s all perfect. Next year I’ll be all moved into my new house and I will be buying at least one thing from this table.

One of my favorite things of going to conventions is seeing characters from different movies interacting with each other. Pinhead and the Ghostbusters? Sure. Why not?

This was the last picture I took before I left the floor. I saw them quite a few times, but it was always on the other side of the floor from where I was. So I stalked them across the convention floor. I was tired and my feet hurt, but I needed a picture of Tucker and Dale so I kept it up. I was relentless. And when I finally got my picture, I was not disappointed. Their facial expressions are absolutely perfect.

I don’t know about you guys, but those legs look pretty heavy for half a guy.

One final story, sadly unaccompanied by a picture.

I have a system at conventions these days. It’s relatively dead on Friday, so I hit the floor on Friday and scout everything. If I see something I can’t live without, I buy it. I stop and talk to a lot of vendors. I’m relatively free to roam and look around. I take a few pictures, but not many, mainly because there aren’t a ton of people around.

But Saturday? Oh, Saturday. My only agenda is to roam the floor and take pictures of everyone in costume. I stop and talk to people if they’re up for it. But, mainly, I just walk the floor a dozen times looking for good costumes.

So there I am, walking the floor aimlessly. I feel a little pressure on my back, but I think nothing of it. I feel a little more pressure and it’s clear that someone is pushing me to the side. I turn around, ready to give a disapproving look, and find myself looking directly at Danny Trejo. He could have killed me with his mind if he wanted to, but he spared me. Danny, I thank you and my family thanks you.

It was another tremendous year at ScareFest. If you ever get a chance to go, I can’t recommend it highly enough. The floor is huge, the panels are great and everyone is amazing. And if you happen to see a guy with a camera around his neck, grinning like an idiot the whole time? That’s just me. Stop me and say hey.

I’m already counting down the days until next year.

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Transmissions from ScareFest 9: Part II

You can read Part I here.

I had accomplished what I wanted to accomplish during my first day at ScareFest.  I bought a couple t-shirts (a Stab shirt for me, a Monster Squad shirt for the munchkin), Elizabeth Fields’ new book, and a couple other random items.  My goal for Day 2 was clear: take pictures, strike up random conversations and look for stories.  This was always my favorite part of going to conventions, but this was the first convention I would be able to devote a whole day to it.

So off I went in search of adventure, beauty and immaculately dressed people performing everyday tasks.  Onward and upward!

What follows is, more or less, a photo journal of my time as I walked the floor, accompanied by entirely too many words by me.  I’m the worst.

img_9137I encountered this gentleman (gentlemonster?) before I even arrived on the floor.  I knew then that it would be a very good day.

img_9120 img_9139This guy spent the entire time in his booth, painting and talking to anyone who came up to him.  He was gracious and kind and had a true passion and I loved him.

img_9140I can’t decide which I love more: the dead, sad eyes or the Crocs.
Okay I can.  It’s the Crocs.  It’s always the Crocs.
Is it because they match his gloves?  Is it because those Crocs seem like terrible shoes to wear in a butcher shop?  I don’t really know, I just know that I love them.

Let’s get a better look at that bad boy, taken slightly later in the day:

img_9225From the time I took the first picture to the time I took this one, he had changed his mask and his weapon.  I really want to know how that conversation went with the TSA.

“Oh…that?  That’s my second pig head.  Yes, that’s correct sir.”

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Oh, hey there little guy.  You looking for your mom?

img_9144

GET AWAY!  GET AWAY!

img_9141

 

“Excuse me. Do you have directions…TO HELL?  MUWHAHAHAHAHA!
Or, like, Pizza Hut or whatever?”

img_9145

I have no idea what this was, but I’m pretty sure it has my soul now.

img_9150

 

This girl is with a group called Circus Envy and The Deadly Sins.  They’re always set up in the same place.  I love the look of their “booth.”  Here it is without anyone present:

img_9118It’s a great look, and everyone involved is extremely friendly.  You can often find them milling around the floor interacting with people.  I love them.

img_9173

Speaking of milling around interacting with people, here are a couple of the girls stopping in for a photo op with Ash and Ace Ventura (twin brothers whom I have seen at multiple conventions).  The table they’re sitting at is from the dream sequence in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II.
To break this down: we have Ash Williams, Ace Ventura and two vampire girls hanging out with a prop from a Rob Zombie movie.

When people ask me why I love conventions, I point to moments like this.

img_9199

 

Join me as I gaze upon the head of Pamela Voorhees.

 

img_9153It’s like someone took Pinhead’s face and created a poorly constructed mask from the loose skin.

img_9156I’ve seen these guys at a number of conventions and they always make me laugh.  The mask must be impossible to see out of, because Bloody Lab Coat Man has to lead around Leopard Head by the arm the entire time.

I noticed something this time I hadn’t noticed before: Leopard Head is wearing a name tag.

img_9156-copyHis name is Purrcival Stroppington.  How perfect is that?!  I love him completely.
Also, his mouth moves when he talks or growls or whatever a man/cat hybrid does.

img_9159I have never seen the movie Hocus Pocus – leave me alone – but I know these outfits were spot-on.

img_9222

 

 

Wolf Run – a great wildlife refuge in Kentucky – was there. For $25 you could get your picture taken with a real wolf. Here is the wolf, hanging out with his best friend: Freya, the frightened fox.

YOU GUYS! They’re best friends and they’re snuggling and this may have been the best thing at the convention.

img_9161

 

Valak was there, attempting to eat the souls of babies. Like demons do. Let’s get a closer look…

img_9162

 

I’m glad Lorraine Warren carved your name in her Bible. And brush your teeth.

img_9166

 

Theirs is a beautiful friendship. They will also kill you if you come within 5 feet of them.

img_9177

 

This guy was there the entire time I was. Armed with a couple different horns, he walked the floor with one goal: to scare unsuspecting victims. He scared a great many people while he was there.

However, the horns were loud and the floor was open, so you could always tell where he was. If you paid attention, you could avoid ever jumping in the air with fright. He still got a lot of people, but, by the end of the second day, people were getting wise to his antics.

img_9292

 

Sorry buddy. You’re not scaring this girl.
This is one of my favorite pictures from the weekend.

img_9178This blurry Bigfoot looking clown is named Calypso. When he wasn’t walking around on stilts with an air cannon, he was walking around with huge box strapped to him. When he opened it up, a severed head on a spring would come shooting out of it.

I ended up talking to him for about 15 minutes about why he does what he does. He talked about the need to read people. “If I start walking up and notice someone looking a little uncomfortable, I’ll just get someone else.” During non-convention times, he dresses up as a non-murdery clown and does a lot of kids birthday parties. It was an extremely enlightening conversation.

img_9183

 

I don’t think he really was a “Camp Clownseler,” but I wasn’t going to ask him.

img_9192I took this picture, then watched as the both of them became a cloud of mist and slowly drifted away.

img_9195DEMON SELFIE!

I have a feeling his demonic brethren would frown upon such actions, but it’s a new age. Perhaps these actions are now celebrated in the pits of Hell. Who am I to judge?

img_9196I didn’t actually ask him if he went by “Preddy Krueger,” but I assume he does.

img_9198This made me laugh entirely too hard.

Hey. Since we’re on the topic of Matthew Lillard…

img_9288

Here he is sharing a laugh with one of the members of GWAR.

You can’t really see it here, but his shirt says “Clive Barker Rules,” in the same style as the iconic “Stephen King Rules” shirt from The Monster Squad.

monster-squad-stephen-king-rulesAs it so happens, I was wearing my “Stephen King Rules” shirt that day. When I passed Matthew Lillard on the floor later that day, we made eye contact, gave a little nod then fist-bumped. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that means we’re best friends now.

The point of this story is that Matthew Lillard is awesome and I love him.

One of my favorite things on this day was spotting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man towering over the masses in random areas.

img_9213 img_9215 img_9228

img_9270 img_9242 img_9243 img_9259And now witness the time Stay Puft terrorized Camp Crystal Lake.

img_9244 img_9245 img_9247 img_9249No matter who wins, we lose.

img_9231

 

I was particularly proud of this shot. Got down on the ground to take it and everything, like a real photographer.
Then I remembered that a ton of people walked through that area, a lot of them likely with terrible, unspeakable things on the bottom of their shoes. I burned my clothes as soon as I got home.

img_9226Sometimes you’re in GWAR, but you also get a little lonely and thirsty.

img_9241What’s that? Just Courtney Gains taking a selfie with Ash Williams.

This is where I remind you that The Burbs is one of my all-time favorite movies, so I absolutely love Courtney Gains. This picture makes me happy.

img_9277This picture of Amy Steel and Harry Manfredini walking around like old friends made me smile like an idiot. I think that’s why Amy is giving me that look: I’m pretty sure I was giggling when I took this.

img_9276This guy had one of my favorite costumes of the weekend. I don’t know what it was about it, but his entire look was terrific. I must have passed these people a thousand times and I liked his costume a little more every time I saw them.

img_9282Oh ScareFest. Never change.

img_9283After going to conventions over the past few years, I can honestly say that, while this isn’t the best Blade I’ve seen, it is still a very good Blade.
I love that I can have absolute opinions on these things.

img_9290I’m pretty sure these kinds had weapons on them. They weren’t messing around.

img_9298This is the last known image of Sexy Stay Puft and Son of Ernest. I hope you find peace in the next life.

 

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Transmissions from ScareFest 9: Part I

Most of these words are true.

This would be my third year attending ScareFest – a horror and paranormal convention held in Lexington, KY – but my first as a member of the press.  I had planned to cover the event in a professional manner, as I would be representing Horror-Writers.

 

I quickly remembered that I don’t know what “professional manner,” means.  In lieu of upstanding professionalism, I grabbed my wife’s nice camera so I could at least look the part.  I didn’t know what any of the settings meant, but learning is a sucker’s game, and I’m no sucker.  So, armed with a press pass and a Canon EOS 30D, I made my way to the ScareFest floor.

As a member of the press, I got to get in a little early.  While hundreds of people waited in line for the doors to open – like zombies pressing against the glass in Dawn of the Dead – I brushed past and headed to the Black Carpet event.
The Black Carpet is essentially a Red Carpet type event, but spookier.  In front of a ScareFest backdrop, celebrities would walk in front of the backdrop, pose, maybe say a few words, then head off to do celebrity things.  Like talk about how much they didn’t like me.
In reality, the main difference between the Red Carpet and Black Carpet is that the Black Carpet can turn into a thick, black tar and pull the person standing on it into a hell dimension in the blink of an eye.  It’s really quite thrilling.

 

While trying to get a picture of Kane Hodder and Felissa Rose, a voice rang out from behind the crowd.  “Free beer!”  I turned and immediately started sizing up the people around me, trying to figure who I could take out to make my way to this fabled “free beer”.
As it turns out, there was no free beer.  It was yelled out by Steven Williams.  I know him as “X” from The X-Files, but he is also known from his role in 21 Jump Street, and more recently in Supernatural. He thought this was funny, but he made a mortal enemy this day.

You will rue the day you crossed me, Williams

Steven was funny and charismatic and honest, proclaiming, “Some of these people think they’re stars: I’m just doing this to pay my rent.”

At some point, Ernest P. Worrell – or rather Son of Ernest – began walking around with a box full of comic books, passing out random issues to everyone standing around.  I walked away with Spawn #2.  I have a confession to make: I have never read an issue of Spawn in my life.  But now that Ernest has handed me one, I suppose I had better start.

Eventually the Black Carpet event ended and we were all allowed to walk the floor.  The theme this year was Camp ScareFest, and they did it up right.  Camp Crystal Lake could be found near the back of the floor, complete with dead campers and a dock featuring sack-headed Jason Voorhees patrolling with an axe.  There was also another Jason popping out of the astro-turf water, because you can never have too many Jasons.

 

 

Being a member of the press affords certain luxuries, like getting to walk the floor for roughly 30 minutes before the doors are open to the public.  This gave me an opportunity to check out the layout without having to navigate my way through the mass of bodies that would soon descend on the area.  It also gave me an opportunity to talk to a couple of the celebrities without waiting in line.

I was going to talk to this celebrity, but he looked like he was in the middle of an important business deal. Stock trading or some such nonsense.

A couple friends of mine were also there, and we spent most of that time milling around.  We found ourselves talking to Ari Lehman, who spent most of the time talking about how great his Camp Crystal Lake hot sauce was.  “Man, you gotta smell it.  It’s made with ghost peppers and garlic.”  He popped the top and, sure enough, it smelled spicy and garlicy.  I also detected a hint of blood that had been extracted from the lifeless bodies of irresponsible camp counselors, but I knew better than to ask.

 

We moved on and spotted Rachel True, which caused one of my friends to come very close to hyperventilating.  He was basically Jay Baruchel’s character in Almost Famous when talking about Led Zeppelin.  He went up and talked to her while me and my other friend hung back, so as not to ruin his moment.  “It’s all happening, it’s all happening,” he muttered under his breath.
As it turns out, we ruined his moment anyway.  While he was talking to her, she was looking at me.  Sorry buddy.  I can’t control these powers I have.

I apologize for nothing

After he recovered, we walked the floor a bit more, splitting up if we found something that struck our fancy: one of us to ponder purchasing a “Stab” t-shirt, another drawn in by the Christine display, and so on.  In my solo travels, I had seen one of the celebrities walking around the floor.  “That’s cool,” I thought.  “Just checking out the booths like everyone else.”

I eventually met back up with my friends and we stumbled across this celebrity.
“Hey guys.”
“Hey.  What’s up?”
“Do you know where my booth is?”
“Uh…sure.  It’s in the back.  Just follow this row and you’ll run right into it.”
“Thanks.  [Pause]  I just got high.”

And off that person walked in the direction of the booth.
We all smiled and nodded and agreed that we loved this place completely.

Oh this? Just a stroller full of your nightmares

We eventually wandered up to the Thoroughbred Ballroom to catch the Scream panel.  Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard would be there, talking about Scream or whatever else they felt like waxing poetic about.  It was something we didn’t want to miss.
It was better than I thought it would be.  While Ulrich sat behind the table with his microphone, Lillard wandered the room, speaking hilariously and candidly about Scream and the life of an actor.  And Ulrich’s abs.  He talked a lot about Ulrich’s abs.  The entire thing was hilarious and eye-opening and over far too soon.

 

My friends took off and I attended a short story workshop with Elizabeth Fields (friend of the website, and overall terrific person).  She talked about the power of the short story, and finding power in very few words.  I learned to “write what scares you,” and took that lesson to heart.  It was a tremendous workshop.

Me, Liz and the all-seeing eyes

Before heading out for the day, I decided to take one last pass of the floor.  It was mostly cleared out by that point, but I got a chance to talk to an odd group for a while.  They were a ghost hunting trio: one dressed as 1966 Batman, another as Tim Burton’s Batman and another wearing a Superman hoodie.  It’s hard to put the entire conversation into words, because it really felt more like a fever dream than an actual, regular conversation.  But I did manage to write down bits of it before my brain shut down.  I present to you a random assortment of conversation snippets:

  • Superman Hoodie died twice: once by falling off a cliff. I don’t remember the other way, but I do know that it involved a two-week coma and something about throwing a 250 pound man across the room when he woke up.  Superman Hoodie was 70 and weighed roughly 160 pounds.
  • 1966 Batman nearly cut his finger off with a samurai sword when he grabbed the blade instead of the hilt. He removed his elbow-length gloves to show me the scar.
  • Superman Hoodie told me he has diabetes in his leg, and was once doing a paranormal investigation in the basement of a haunted house when something dark flew through him. I do not know if these two events are related.
  • Superman Hoodie is 70 years old, has a 37 year old girlfriend and will berate you if you mention retiring. Or not retiring.  I get the feeling he would berate you no matter what you do.
  • Tim Burton’s Batman told me they were paranormal investigators and showed me their card. I asked if I could have one, but she quickly withdrew the card and told me they didn’t have any more.  These were the only words I heard her speak.

It was a strange, perfect conversation to cap a lovely day.  I had seen what I wanted to see and bought what I wanted to buy.  I would return the following day with a couple simple goals: take pictures of people in costume, look for odd interactions and strike up random conversations when the moment presented itself.  My feet were killing me, but I couldn’t wait to get back to the main floor.

 

As I left the main floor and wound through the building on the way back to my car, I saw Adrienne King and Amy Steel walking down the hall together, sharing a laugh.  I couldn’t help but smile.

Tomorrow.  There would be more stories tomorrow.  I hope you join me.

To be continued…


More convention/travel fun:

Transmissions from HorrorHound Indianapolis 2016

Transmissions from Wizard World Comic Con

Transmissions from the International Cryptozoology Museum

Transmissions from ScareFest 7

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Transmissions from ScareFest 7

Most of these words are true.

On September 13, 2014, I attended ScareFest, a horror & paranormal convention held in Lexington, KY.  This is the 7th year of its existence.  I happen to live in Lexington, KY, and I have no excuses for missing the previous 6.  Before my Wizard World experience, I had never been to a convention.  I attribute my attendance to ScareFest this year to the great time I had at Wizard World.  Still, it’s ridiculous that this convention takes place in my town and I had never been.  I have brought shame upon my family.

Unlike Wizard World, I would be flying solo.  So I got up, threw on my Zombie Fights Shark t-shirt(seemed festive), and made the 10 minute drive to Rupp Arena.  Home to the Cats, and, on this weekend, home to the ghouls.

I parked a few blocks away and walked.  On my way through the parking lot, I passed many cars with bumper stickers.  The Misfits.  Necronomicon.  Michael Myers.  Jason Voorhees.  Zombies.  I looked around and smiled, knowing I was about to be among my people.  By the end of the day, I would be adding a new bumper sticker to my car, signaling to the others that I belonged.

Hail to the '01 Prizm, baby
Hail to the ’01 Prizm, baby

It wasn’t hard to find the entrance: all I had to do was follow the screams.  I found myself traveling in a group of people dressed as various characters from The Walking Dead.  “Those screams aren’t real, right?” I wondered aloud.  None of them looked up at me.  They just put their heads down and shuffled forwards.  If I were to die, I would do it with characters from a show I sorta-kinda like sometimes.

Jason Aldean and Florida Georgia Line were playing a concert at Rupp Arena later that evening, which gave the crowd a bit of a weird mix.  I saw people dressed as monsters, bloody clowns and zombies walking among people wearing cowboy hats, boots and tight jeans.  The Grim Reaper made small talk with John Wayne while waiting in line for food.  It was strange and beautiful.

I never did discover the source of the screams, but I found the ticket window, grabbed my wristband and headed through the doors.  A skeleton stared at me from above as I walked underneath.  I thought it kind of looked like me, though that could have just been my brain playing tricks.

sf-02-banner

 

I stepped inside the doors to find a young child being attacked by Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees, while Billy the Puppet sat on his tricycle grinning like an idiot.  I thought about stepping in, but I’m only one man.  That kid lived enough of his life to enjoy it, but not long enough to be cynical.  I hope you find comfort in the next life, young man.

sf-03-child-attacked

 

As it turns out, I could probably find him in the next life, as the next thing I saw was a sign for the Ghost Hunter Shop.  Books.  Vests.  Smudge sticks.  If you’re looking for ghost hunting supplies, they had it there.  The Ghost Hunter shop is owned by Patti Starr, who puts on ScareFest every year.  They have a website as well as a physical location here in Lexington.

sf-04-ghost-hutner-shop

 

I poked around in the shop a little, but I had no haunting in my own home and had neither the time nor energy to hunt for them elsewhere, so I shoved off to the main floor.

Ah, the main floor.  What joys would I find there?  Would I find something to love immediately, or would I have to wait a while?

sf-05-beetlejioce-staypuft

 

I would find something immediately.  Just Betelgeuse and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man hanging out together.  I tried to get up close enough to hear what they were talking about, but I’m not good at sneaking.  I also couldn’t stop singing, “Tale as old as tiiiiiiiime.”

I thought ol’ Puffy would be taller, but I had only seen him on TV.  All celebrities are shorter in person.  Apparently Stay Puft and Keifer Sutherland are the same size.

sf-06-large-zombie

 

I found out early that security would not back down from anyone.

sf-07-me-mm

I happened upon Michael Myers.  I don’t even think it was someone dressed as Myers: I believe that this was the real Michael Myers.  I followed him around for a while, observing his movements.  He never spoke a word.  He walked around the floor, looking around him.  I can only assume he was looking for a gaggle of babysitters.  While he was stalking them, I was stalking him.  Eventually I walked up to him.

Me: Can I get a picture with you?
MM: [Nods head]
Me: So, you just don’t talk then?
MM: [Shakes head]

Me: Halloween: Resurrection was really terrible, huh?
MM: [Nods head violently]

Me: You…uh…you going to kill anyone here?
MM: [Dead silence]
Me: Alright man.  I’ll catch up with you later.

I saw him after that from time to time.  Still walking the floor.  Still not talking.  Occasionally he would stop for pictures with people, but he never spoke a word.  I saw a woman walk up to him and ask, “Can I get a picture with you, sweet pea?”  It killed me that someone referred to Michael Myers as “sweet pea”.

My encounter with Michael Myers spooked me a little, but it didn’t last long.  I looked to my left and saw the table for the Western Kentucky Ghostbusters.  I tried to calmly walk over, but I’m pretty sure I ended up awkwardly jogging.

“Hey.  Are those proton packs?”
“Yes.  For $1 you can wear one and stand next to Vigo the Carpathian.”

“You mean Vigo the Butch?”
I giggled and threw some money in the pot, and was then armed with my very own proton pack.  As I waited for the people in front of me to finish with their pictures, I kept repeating to myself, “Bite your head off, man.  Bite your head off, man.”

It was finally my turn.  I walked up, powered on my proton pack and said, “Only a Carpathian would come back to life now and choose Lexington, KY,” then muttered a few lines about Carpathian Kitten Loss.

sf-08-me-vigo

 

I tried to look tough, but instead just came off as looking vaguely indifferent, and quite possibly like I’m a little sick.  I think I looked quite dashing in that proton pack.

I walked off and came across two very pale people pushing a stroller.  “Oh, lemme see the cute little baby.  Who’s the cute baby?  Is it you?”

sf-09-babies
GAAAAAAAAAH!

 

While I was still trying to rub the evil out of my eyes, I felt someone push me in the back.  Before I could execute a super-sweet roundhouse kick, he was past me.

sf-10-sean-astin

 

It was Sean Astin, traveling with a security guard.  “Gotta get back to my table.  Mr. Frodo needs me,” I heard him say softly to himself.
“I kind of thought you’d be talking about D-Bob.”
“What?”
“Nothing, Mr. Austin.  Go tell them about how you hope they won’t be able to get their balls out.  Give ‘em hell, sir.  Goonies never say ah he’s gone.”

A voice came over the speakers.  “Cary Elwes is back at his booth, so if you want his autograph, it’s as you wish.”  I cackled loudly.  I looked around for anyone to share my laugh with, but all I could find was this guy.

sf-11-me-zombie

 

He didn’t find it funny, but I doubt he really found anything funny.  The blood of the innocent, maybe?

I saw Dick Warlock – legendary stunt man, and Michael Myers in the stellar Halloween II – wandering around his booth while wearing a terrific jacket.

sf-12-dick-warlock

 

I thought about trying to steal it, but I figured he would snap my arm in 6 places without breaking a sweat.  I backed away slowly.

I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to pay money to meet any of the celebrities today.  Sure, there were people I loved, but I didn’t feel like waiting in line and spending a bunch of money just to have an awkward interaction with someone I’d never see again.

But then, as I was walking along the back, I spotted Caroline Williams, most famous for playing Vanita “Stretch” Brock from Texas Chainsaw Massacre II.  There she was, standing in her booth all alone.  I had no choice, really.  I had to say hi.

sf-13-me-caroline-williams

 

I walked up and chatted with her for a while.  She struck me as a genuinely sweet and caring woman.  I got my picture taken with her and walked off.  I’ve always been a fan of her work, and I’m an even bigger fan of her now.  I now have an autographed picture of Caroline hanging out with Tobe Hooper, Tom Savini and Nubbins hanging up in my home office.  It makes me smile every time I look at it.

I made new friends (who would gladly kill me at a moment’s notice).

sf-14-me-freddy-jason

 

sf-15-me-harry-warden

 

sf-16-me-predator

 

I found Salvatore blood.

sf-17-vampire-blood

 

How much do you think Salvatore blood goes for these days?  More than I thought it would.  Sure, it promises immortality, but there’s a decent change you’ll turn into some version of The Ripper.  Or, at the very least, have someone screaming, “FLIP YOUR HUMANITY SWITCH,” at you when you’re trying to go to sleep.  It’s my switch, buddy.  I’ll flip it when I want to.

I found the disembodied head of Bughuul.

sf-18-sinister-mask

 

I saw someone getting a picture with Nick King, the guy who played Bughuul.  “Do you want me to hold the mask?” he asked the person?  No.  I just want to take a picture with the guy who played Bughuul but have the mask nowhere in sight.  I’ll look back in a few months and think, “Who was this guy?”

I saw Universal Monsters rising from the ground…

sf-19-gill-man

 

sf-20-wolfman

 

…and others trying to end their miserable existence.

sf-21-hanging-frankensteins

 

It’s not your fault you have an abnormal brain, buddy.  I’m sure you still have something to live for.  What about that girl you’ve been talking about?  The one with the cool hair?  Maybe try giving her a call.  I think you can build a life together.

I stopped to take a picture of an odd spectacle, only to have a fella in a Jayne hat come up afterwards and basically demand money for taking the picture.

sf-22-jayne

 

Jayne don’t mess with mudders.

I spotted a stormtrooper and Sam, just hanging out

sf-23-sam-stormtrooper

 

I wanted to get in closer to hear what they were talking about, but Sam tightened his grip on his lollipop.  I quickly turned and walked in the opposite direction.  I put a Jack-o’-lantern outside my house on Halloween.  I have no quarrel with you.

When I turned the corner, I ran into this:

sf-24-mystery-machine

 

“Hey Scoob!  SCOOB!  Here’s a mystery for ya.  Why did 6 hate 7?  Huh?  Hahahahahahahaha!  Try running around robbing banks all wacked off of…hey…I was having a conversation here, officer.  About what?  Well, that’s between me and my friend here.  Where are you taking me?  What is…is that a chloroform rag?  You’re not a real cop, are you?  AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!”

The rest of the day was a haze.  I’m pretty sure I saw Corey Feldman walking around with a scantily clad angel, but I could be mistaken.

sf-25-corey-feldman

 

For all I know, I’m still there, somewhere in the halls of ScareFest.  Maybe I’ll be there forever. I don’t mind.  There are worse ways to spend eternity.  I’ll see you all there next year.