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Renfield’s Top 10 Worst Halloween Decorations (Epic Fails)

Good Mourning graveyard ghoulies and crematorium cretins,

The witching season is upon us and to celebrate, if you are anything like me you will decorate your crypt from top to bottom in orange, black, smiling jack-o-lanterns, black cats, crazed witches, and other spookshow-a-rama goodness that will give thrills, chills, and make you jump with fright. I have looked around and noticed that lately the Halloween decorations are just not the same as they used to be. They are worse. Much worse.

I decided to list my top 10 epic failures for Halloween decorations.  Either click the links or cut and paste the links for direct viewing of each piece of crap that was shat out of Hell!

Brace yourself for a sea of sorrow.

10. Gemmy 13.4-in Lighted Musical Animatronic Tabletop Assorted Ravers

http://www.lowes.com/pd_348634-80668-90944_4294701436__?productId=50040708&Ns=p_product_qty_sales_dollar|1&pl=1&currentURL=%3FNs%3Dp_product_qty_sales_dollar%7C1&facetInfo=

What the hell is this nonsense and who is the escaped lunatic that thought it was a good idea? If we don’t buy the dancing Santa’s we aren’t going to buy this crap either. I think the “scary” attribute to this is the fact that it dances to a One Direction song.  “Plays a cool song” my ass!

 

9. Light up yard owl.

 http://www.kmart.com/totally-ghoul-acrylic-lighted-owl-halloween-decoration/p-009W006091752001P?prdNo=36&blockNo=36&blockType=G36

Is it just me or does this pile of shit have its head on upside down?  Maybe they had their head up their ass when they designed it so it looked right side up. “WHHOOOO’s scary?” Not this crap.

 

 

8.   Celebrate It! Halloween Pet Costumes

http://weeklyad.michaels.com/stores/9444/departments/60?promotionCode=Michaels-130915

This item is a sure bet to end up on the clearance shelf during Thanksgiving.  Just what every poodle owner has dreamed their pet to be for Halloween.  Glenn Danzig of Misfit era, and a purple some shit. No really, what the fuck is that thing?

 

7.   Boots and Broom Yardstakes

 http://www.biglots.com/p/c/haunt-your-house/boots-and-broom-yardstakes

Ding Ding! All aboard the shit train! Next stop…this piece of crap! The witch crashed, yeah, yeah, yeah, never seen that before. To top it all off she then got a broomstick impaled up her ass. Who thought this shit up, John Hathorne? Dumb.

 

6. Skull Disco Ball

http://www.halloweeneffects.us/Skull_Disco_Ball_p/36298.htm

They say disco killed rock and roll. I can see why. Real dumb.

 

5. Toxic Sewage Toilet Seat Grabber

http://www.partycity.com/product/toxic+sewage+toilet+seat+grabber.do?navSet=170552

Because the next time someone asks you “What crawled up your ass?” you can show them this picture of what looks like a porta-potty at the last Lollapalooza. Rats, spiders, and flies swimming in green piss! Well I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go!

 

4. Lawn Skeleton Decoration

http://www.partycity.com/product/lawn+skeleton+lawn+decoration+12pc.do?navSet=170566

I have seen every episode of the Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Return of the Dead and all its sequels, Dawn AND Day of the Dead, etc…and I have never seen a corpse rise from the grave in the missionary position.

 

3. Crashing Witch – Betty Bash

http://www.biglots.com/p/c/haunt-your-house/crashing-witch-betty-bash

For the love of Christ, please stop with this old gag. It wasn’t funny 20 years ago and it still isn’t now. I’ve heard of tree huggers, but this bitch takes tree love a little too far with tree humping. “Guaranteed to bring a laugh to all who sees it”. Here’s a heads up, they are not laughing with you!

 

2. 14” Halloween Hollow Tree

http://www.walmart.com/ip/14-Halloween-Hollow-Tree/21311975

You know I had to attack Wally World at some point (just wait, the stupidity gets even worse). Remember that I found this in the OUTDOOR section. What the hell is up with a 14” OUTDOOR tree decoration? Did we learn anything from This Is Spinal Tap and the 18” Stonehenge? Now if you can find a little person to dress like Pumpkin Head and dance around it, you’re set.

 

1. Life-Size Rockin Chair Santa Boxed Halloween Prop

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Life-Size-Rockin-Chair-Santa-Boxed-Halloween-Prop/26983165

I don’t think I even need to comment on this one.

 

There you are folks, my picks for the top 10 epic failures of Halloween decorations. Well, they can’t all be zingers.

If you liked my list, thank you and I am Renfield Rasputin. If you didn’t, or you own some of this crap, my name is Oliver Closeoff and you can write any and all hate mail to www.renfielddoesntcare.com.

Until next time, rest in pieces.

Renfield Rasputin hot rods hearses and in his spare time gives twerking lessons at LSU. (At least until campus security finds out).

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I Watch Way Too Much Horror or The Devil Built My House on Indian Burial Ground

There is an old saying “Does life imitate art, or does art imitate life?” This has been on my mind recently. I’m afraid that if you live by the sword, you will die by the sword and apparently I may have just fallen on my sword.  I’ve been dabbling in horror for so long I think the lines of fantasy and real life are beginning to blur, and not in a sexy Robin Thicke kind of way.

So if you haven’t noticed I’ve been away for awhile and it is because I moved residence. The Rasputin family unit needed a bigger place to rip and tear so we packed up our hot rodded hearse and moved like the Beverly Hellbillys we are and moved the hell out of our old crypt. Far from the big city, there are woods at the end of the street, you can see all the stars at night, you can hear the frogs chirp; it is the dream home location. The house is a lot bigger. It is room for the fleet of cars, the Harley, the things that we couldn’t afford when we were first starting out, all the bells and whistles of a modern home. It is also the way most haunted house movies start out. Did I mention we are the “last house on the left”?

From the start, it was explained to us that the house would be built in 3 months.  Five months later with no good reason for the delay we had our home. When we picked out our plot of land I jokingly asked the developer if he was sure there wasn’t a cemetery underneath. He didn’t look at me but responded with “A chemical dump. Local cleaners dumped their waste here”. We knew it was a joke since we were familiar with the area. Either that or they had to take extra time laying an extra foot of dirt on the top layer of the graves.

The house was not quite complete on the day of closing. It lacked small jobs here and there but it wasn’t anything large (that we knew at the time). We wouldn’t know what to look for anyway. (Were the walls up? Does the air condition work? Does the ceiling leak? These are our concerns.) No sooner had we closed when we started to move in and the terror began. Countless bad luck injuries to us, mechanical defects, lighting problems with the wiring, the construction either being wrong or not finished at all, the security alarm not being installed then not working, plumbing installed wrong, muddy ground that five days after the rain still wouldn’t dry, an endless supply of flies (hadn’t seen one of those all year until now), moving boxes going missing from right in front of us, the dogs whimpering all night long, and then the obligatory strange noises. You can understand why Mrs. Rasputin and I nicknamed our new place “Hell House”.

Now every new house has strange noises that you must acquaint yourself with and the reasons that cause them. It may be the pipes, the house settling, animals that found their way into the attic, the mother-in-law chewing through the restraints in the garage, but last night I heard the oddest of them all. A couple of minutes after 2 AM I woke to the sound of my pit/lab mix, Lizzie Borden, whimpering (something she never does).  As I clear out the cobwebs from my head, I see her as she stops to look up at the ceiling just as the sound of a bouncing ball starts. The odd noise “bounced” four times in the same place. Above us is one of my daughter’s rooms, but she went to sleep with her sister in another room on the opposite side of the house. Feeling much sympathy for Jack Torrance at this point I naturally start up the stairs to investigate.

Of course they are nocturnal, they’re my kids. However I am not nocturnal in the least and I enjoy my slumber. I reach for the doorknob, turn on the lights, and enter the room to find to my surprise …nothing. The room has not been touched since we played with the kids hours ago. After checking on the girls in the other room, I find them both asleep on the other side of the second floor.

I lay back down and after a few minutes Lizzie starts whimpering again. I look at her and she has focused her attention back to the ceiling. Again she stops just before the bouncing sounds return.

Okay, this is bullshit. I start back up the stairs at a faster pace than before because I’m going to catch my kids in the act. I turn the knob and sling the door open to find only the moonlight shining through the window of the little princess’ room just as I had left it minutes ago. I turn on the lights and take another look around. That’s a negative Ghost Rider the pattern is full.

I once again return to bed when Lizzie begins to whimper for a third time. Just as the previous times, she is staring at the ceiling with her ears back and drawing her mouth to a scowl. She stops just in time to hear a heavy box being dragged across the floor of the same room above me. I made my way back up the stairs to find no such object in the darkened room that could have caused such noise. Only I tried to turn on the light, but it wouldn’t come on. “Fuck! Now I need to change the light bulb out tomorrow.” Checking on the children, they were both still asleep in the same position where I left them.

Returning to bed my wife had awoken and inquired about my late night adventures. I told her the story and she related that the same thing happened to her last night at the same time! We were both puzzled until she first said what both of us were thinking but neither wanted to; “Do you think it is a ghost?” 

I’ll spare you the rest of that conversation but I can tell you that at 2:23 in the morning your head does have a tendency to get carried away very easily. Mrs. Rasputin doesn’t believe in ghosts despite all the sleepless nights we’ve stayed at the Stanley Hotel, the R.M.S. Queen Mary, the Lizzie Borden B&B, Le Richelieu, Hotel Galvez, and countless hotels in Salem Mass. So for her to even consider it possible means a lot. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. “Oh, yeah. We need to change out her light bulb tomorrow. The third time I tried to turn it on it wouldn’t come on. ”

After seeing Amityville, The Black Hope Horror (true story that happened here in Houston, check it out), Poltergeist, the Haunting in Connecticut, and Insidious I was certain that we had a ghost problem.  Everything checked out. Unexplained noises, check. Lighting problems, check. Dog growling at the wall, check. Flies, check.  Two adults accusing the other one is crazy, check. I was missing a menacing tree trying to eat us and unholy voice telling us to “get out”. Well, there’s always tonight.

Look, I’ve gone ghost hunting before for fun. But when the ghosts come to me, in my house, I have to say “Screw that”.

I’ve seen this shit too many times to not recognize the signs. I consider myself a pro at dealing with the spiritually enriched dwellings (I think that is the PC term they prefer these days). I have to go through the motions of having a priest over to bless it, scream “What do you want from me?” at the top of my lungs in the rain, and then throw the TV out on the street. I’ve got this. My whole problem with watching all this horror stuff is that I start believing it, thinking that it is real, and it is happening to me.  Now that I know how I’ll react when I see something too much, I’m thinking about watching more porn.

*Update – Since I’ve written this article my dog has growled at a closet door, empty bedroom doors are locked but unlock themselves only seconds later, and my large red ball belonging to my daughter came bouncing down the hall towards us…from a dead end hallway.  

Until next time, rest in pieces.

Renfield Rasputin was biting heads off bats before Ozzy ever made it cool.

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Untitled(untitled)[untitled]{untitled} – Renfield Rasputin

Greetings Ghoulscouts,

I had the pleasure of reading a script that someone sent me over the weekend. In short, I liked it. It had all the elements that a horror film needed. But that sparked a conversation between us online about what he wanted to capture in his story and what exactly we considered “scary”.

Outside of the government, my last week’s paycheck, One Direction, and my neighbor who is a white man when he leaves his house in a suit but returns home at night made up as an Asian female dressed in a mini skirt, scary is rather subjective and whatever the viewer perceives it to be. There are differences though and you need to recognize them to achieve the right dramatic effect you are going for.

Please remember that scary and fear mean two different things. Scary is whatever causes fright or alarm.1  Fear is the human emotion that is caused by something that is an impending threat whether it is real or imagined. 2 So what do want to do? Do you want to make something scary or do you want to make something that will cause fear? One will last for a few seconds, while the other will leave the viewer screwed up for some time. Do this wrong and you are left with an audience that didn’t get it and may make you look completely stupid. Let’s dig that grave a little deeper.

Let’s look at your average “scary movie”. To most, it is probably a slasher film that someone brings a date to (so that he can cop a feel when she jumps in his lap) where the music swells when the buxom actress gets antsy from a noise, she checks it out (naked of course) a cat jumps out of nowhere, the actress is relieved as the killer comes from behind and hacks her up. The end.  You go home and trash it on the old interweb.

Let’s look at the movies that cause fear.  Take Jaws or Psycho for example. I didn’t go into the water at the beach after seeing Jaws. Or how about showers?  Legions of fans did not take showers after Psycho was released. (Did you know the fear of showers is called “ablutophobia”?)  How about Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure?  I will never leave my bike anywhere near the Alamo again after seeing that!

Now at this point I have to point out to be careful of “shock” horror. This type or horror is when there is an overabundance of gore and exploitation just for the hell of it. Basically it goes against the grain of anything that is considered the social line of “acceptable”. These movies, books, or art contain an excessive amount of gang rape, blood baths, killing of animal or babies, imagery of violent mutilations, etc. I’m not supporting or condoning these mediums, because if that is what you are going for than, morgue power to ya. But what I am saying is…I don’t get it. It is shocking, (again, so is last week’s paycheck) but it is not scary (again, much like last week’s paycheck). Here’s why; a little blood goes a long way. Gore, expletives, violence, and sex is a much more effective image when it is done right, and by doing it right I mean sparingly. If you watch a scene that is drawn out where someone is about to cut off another person’s ear, when it eventually does happen, and those few drops of blood dripping from the wound are seen it is much more effective than seeing the victim drowning in blood from a lacerated ear. At some point it becomes more comical than horrific. This is when I start getting hate mail about “It’s not realistic when a chainsaw cuts off an arm and only a little blood comes out.” My answer is simple. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? HACKED OF MANY AN ARM WITH A CHAINSAW IN YOUR DAY? So please consider your usage of such so that it doesn’t turn into a comedy.

To scare someone is easy. Startle effects are abundant, cheap, and easy to achieve. Kind of like my ex-ghoulfriends. To install fear in someone is a true talent. Thought has to be put into each scene and timing has to be just right. The difference between kill scenes from the Universal Monster years and the killers today is when they were done in the Universal years, the monster’s face was revealed and the camera held onto the image for several seconds before they slaughtered their victim so that the frightening imagery sat in. (Think of the scene in Phantom of the Opera where Christine removes Erik’s mask. That glare seemed to last forever.) Nowadays it is a quick flash of their blade and you might catch a glimpse of their mask.

To shock someone the right way is actually difficult these days also. To quote the king of shock rock himself, Alice Cooper, “What can you do to shock people anymore? Everything has been done before. I mean you can go up onstage and cut off your arm, but you can only do that once.” He’s right. Limits have gotten pushed so far now, that it has become too difficult to shock people. When the Exorcist first came out, people got up and left the theater at some of the scenes (think about the masturbation scene with the crucifix). Today, a new generation is so used to extreme visuals that to them, those scenes are child’s play.

Whatever you do, do it well. You will always have time to say “I wished I could have” to maybe a better plot, a better ending, a better opening paragraph or scene. But never make the mistake where you have to say “I wish I wouldn’t have”. I fear this all the time. It scares me to know that I occasionally do this. Know your influences, know your audience, know your boundaries. Push your influences, push your audience, and push your boundaries. But whatever you do, do not break your influences, break your audience, or break your boundaries.

Halloween is just around the corner and I need to get ready. I’m thinking about starting my own haunted attraction for the fall. I’m thinking a haunted house that will cost your whole paycheck to get in. Government ghouls (or clowns, same thing) will chase you from room to room. I’m thinking of putting it to the soundtrack of One Direction, and having my neighbor wait at the end while wearing his dress and cranking a chainsaw. That should cover just about everything.

This week check out Devildriver’s new album “Winter Kills” and the movie “Profile of a Killer” (Thanks Shawn).

Until next time, rest in pieces.

Renfield Rasputin

 

Renfield prefers if you are going to call him names, use the term, “Tombstone Trash”.

1http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/scary?s=t

2 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fear?s=t&path=/

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Your Horror Influences or From the Cradle…to the Grave

Welcome back all you freaks, creeps, and ghoulunatics, to another piece of cerebral sewage from everyone’s favorite grave robber, Renfield. Taking time out from robbing, uh, I mean, taking inventory of another grave, so that I can annoy, explain, and enlighten all you young witches and warlocks out there.

As the next generation of horror whatever (fill in the blank to suit your needs) we must look back at what it is that got us here in the first place, our influences. Much like our family heritage, our influences are the contributing factor to whom and what we are today. When I was a young grave robber an older beatnik (yes, she actually was a real beatnik) in my literature class in college approached me and handed me a book by Jack Kerouac entitled “On the Road”. She said to me “You’re already a rebel; know you just need to find out why. Read this.” I have to admit, it was different than anything I was used to reading. But the point was that I won’t forget what she was trying to tell me. You have to know where you come from to figure out where you are going.  

When you start creating a film, book, or band, you immediately start replicating ( the industry likes to call it “paying homage”) the things that influenced you from an earlier age. If you are part of the 25-40 age group, this would most likely be splatter films. If you are 30 something and up and raised around the Bible belt, you may be influenced by the Exorcist, the Omen, or the Rosemary’s Baby movies that created the “Satanic Panic” of the late 70’s. (At seven years old, my mother sat me in front of the Exorcist and said “Here, watch this. This is what happens when you’re bad.” And they have no idea why I ended up in therapy.) Maybe you are a purest and prefer the quintessential ghost story like that of the “The Haunting”. Today’s younger heathens may prefer the torture porn genre of Turistas and Hostel that was popular early in the new millenium. In Europe there are the Italian giallo films which cross the mystery genre with horror. Then you have the hybrids that use take a little from each genre and blend them (for evidence of these, please see the original “Saw” film which could be considered giallo as well as fall into the torture porn category).

How about all you authors? Poe anyone? Maybe you enjoy your cosmic horror from Lovecraft. Maybe you prefer the modern writings of King, Barker, or Saul. Or perhaps you look to other genres. Maybe your inspiration is true crime, history, or even romance.  I’m not saying any of these is wrong. With your own twist, you can look into any story and “bastardize” it to fit your agenda. (Google images of MacFarlane’s Twisted Fairy Tales for what I’m talking about.)

Finally, look around. Your resting place is a vital influence to you. Your surroundings come into play in a major way when trying to set the scene for your work. Stephen King has the cold small towns of Bangor, Maine. Anne Rice is influenced by the voodoo bayous of New Orleans. I come from the Lone Star state of Texas. It has plenty of legends that would keep any artist full of ideas for a lifetime. It’s home of all sorts of weird crap like the UT clock tower shooting, president Kennedy assassination, Marfa lights, Bigfoot forests, ghost pirates off the coast, UFO abductions, cannibal native Americans, Bonny and Clyde, the Waco cult, satanic Mexican cults, and Anna Nichole Smith.

I have always been a fan of the old Tales from the Crypt comics and television show. The segments had incredible writing with a plot twist. Then, the real rock star of the show was the Crypt Keeper himself. The old dead bastard had the best dark humor puns and influenced my use of “plague on words” today. “Leave it to Cleaver”…that’s awesome.

Music is another source of misguided influence. Music has always been the redheaded step child that people love to point fingers at when something goes wrong. But music is a good influence on many things as well. Musicians like David Bowie (known mainly for his music ability) and Sid Vicous (not known for his music ability) defined a generation of punk fashion. KISS redefined the way a brand could become marketable when they slap their name on everything from toys to condoms (Kondoms?) to coffins (Koffins?).  I know that judging by my gothic good looks, long black hair, black clothes, pale skin, and motorcycle boots that people are quick to blame rap music for the violent stories that I’ve shitten, er…written, but they forget that Johnny Cash was “The Man in Black” that sung “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”.

Think about how all these things can cross over. Alice Cooper has been an influence to me in my music, writings, and even my films. Some of the most visual ideas did not come from his onstage antics, but rather his music videos. To give you an idea, I have a full size gothic/electric chair in my man cave (see “He’s Back” video). There are multiple size chains seen hanging from the rafters every few inches in the barn scene of my short film, “County Road” (see “Poison” video). A huge topic of most of my writings contains mentally unstable patients in psych wards (see practically any Alice Cooper video). I probably watched too much Headbanger’s Ball on MTV when I was younger. Again, my parents wanted to know why I needed therapy.

So the next time you set out to create something, think back to what influenced your choices that went into your work. Was it music, a person, literature, or maybe a restraining order? Stop for a moment, reflect on it, and pay your respects. Whatever it is, do it right and make it your own. You just might be the new influence on the next generation.

This week check out Adam Wingard’s movie, “You’re Next” and the book “Too Much Horror Business” by Kirk Hammett.

Now, I have to get back to work. This grave isn’t going to rob itself…

Until next time, rest in pieces.

Renfield Rasputin

Renfield curses the living in Texas and Louisiana and writes horror stories and movies…badly.

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Top 10 Women in Horror

So to celebrate Women in Horror week here is my Top 10 picks. Most of these women still have restraining orders on me!

10. Calico Cooper – Daughter of Alice Cooper. Without a feature film under her belt as of yet, she has done some modeling, replaced her mother on stage as Nurse Rosetta in her father’s show, and had a major part in Wednesday 13’s video “Get Your Grave On”. She never returned any of my phone calls, texts, or emails and I’m sure the cop she sent with the restraining order to my house was only a joke. “Call me, Cali!” (Waiving phone sign in the air).

9. Shawnee Smith – As Amanda Young in the Saw series. (She also played Julie in The Stand made for television movie based on the Stephen King novel). As everyone’s favorite heroin addict, Amanda was the only person (other than Jigsaw himself) to be featured in every Saw film. Smith pulls off this vital character to the story and in turn makes us empathize for Jigsaw alongside of her. Whether she was trapped in a reverse facial bear trap, or administering glucocorticoid steroids to Jigsaw, Shawnee/Amanda won our blackened goth hearts.

8. Danielle Harris – The queen of the new generation of scream queens. Starting off young in Halloween 4, and 5 and then again as an adult in Rob Zombie’s remake, this kitten has claws. She has battled Michael Myers, Victor Crowley, vampires, and urban legends. This chick actually looks hotter with the more blood you splash on her! Bedroom eyes, sassy smile, sweet, petite, and tattooed.  Me-freaking-ow!

7. Ingrid Pitt – Made famous by her many vampire Hammer Horror films. This buxom polish actress inspired legions of women to “vamp” up their styles in their roles of sexy vampires. Before her death she was the featured voice of Countess Bathory on Cradle Of Filth’s album “Cruelty and the Beast”.

6. Vampira (Maila Nurmi) – Inspired by the comic strip version of Morticia Addams, this Broadway dancer inspired other horror themed television hostesses with her gorgeous gothic looks. She enjoyed a successful career in B Horror films, but later left the industry. The beautiful scar that she placed on our memory never left us though.

5. Jamie Lee Curtis – The original scream queen. Horror has been in her blood ever since her mother Janet Leigh was murdered in the Psycho shower scene. (Leigh later returned to join Jamie onscreen during the filming of “The Fog”). Yeah, she does Activia commercials today, but she has the right to advertise anything she wants today.

4. Morticia Addams (Carolyn Jones) – The character was originally from a comic strip by Charles Addams. Carolyn Jones breathed new life into the tall, thin, matriarch of the family. Phased by very little, but obviously had something to hide behind locked doors with the way Gomez would jump at any chance to kiss her neck and hands. The Tease always pushed him away; maybe it was her way of saying “Later if you’re a good boy.”

3. Lily Munster (Yvonne De Carlo) – My heart is thumping as I write this! Okay, let me take a breath. Many monster boys tuned in wishing their mother looked like the temptress with a white strip in her hair and vampire bat necklace. (I bought Mrs. Rasputin a replica of it…You know…just to wear when…uh…yeah). Watch an old episode and look at the way she glides when she walked. Elegance really is poetry in motion. “Oh baby Lily Munster, ain’t got nothing on you!” – Black No. 1, Type O Negative

2. Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) – Ok, so she had sex with Elvis, and she totally ripped off Vampira (which later resulted in a lawsuit between the two). But she is witchy, quirky, curvy, and loaded with quick witted horror/sexual humor. Now I love, Love, LOVE curves on my dark haired, pale skin beauties, and this one has the Jack O’ Lanterns to line my driveway!  I met her two years ago at a horror convention and got the obligatory picture and autograph. Perspiration started flowing, my eyes popped out, my jaw hit the ground, my tongue rolled across the floor as I panted like a dog at the sight of her.  This was the woman that caused me to go into puberty at the sight of her lying on a couch. She was in her late 50’s but looked better than more than half of the 30 year olds I know. I guess she could sense I was about to have an aneurism when she put her arms around me for a picture and whispered in my ear, “Sweetie, you’re trembling.”  (Be still my dead heart).

1. Mrs. Rasputin – Yeah, that’s right, my wife! She never exactly done anything in horror, (other than me) but she’s into me, and I’m into horror, so therefore by the six degrees of separation, she’s into horror. Did you follow that? Now why exactly does this Italian Jennifer Connelly look alike with massive curves in all the right places, have anything to do with a creep like me is beyond me.  (Actually, I do. It’s my electrifying, rugged, good looks and my charismatic personality. But don’t take my word for it. Ask anyone.) But over our time together I’ve noticed her wardrobe is changing to all black, her hair keeps getting darker, and her clothes have turned over the years from Guess and Express brand to Harley Davidson, and the décor around my house is starting to look more and more gothic. It doesn’t hurt that she looks amazing walking around in my old Danzig t-shirts either. Our first date was to see Freddy Vs. Jason, we were engaged on Halloween, honeymooned at the Bell Witch Cave, and spend each anniversary in a different haunted hotel in New Orleans.  She supports my love for everything in this genre, and that means morgue than words to me.

 

Honorable Mention:

Anne Rice – As an author, I’ve learned more from reading her stuff than any other author of the modern era. Her works include gothic vampires, witch covens, and even romance all based around the city of New Orleans. Her use of detail in her stories is amazing. Try this; pick a location in one of her books. Google that location. It will exist on a map AND be precisely how she described it. In her book The Blood Canticle, she writes “I see you (Lestat) having coffee all the time in the second window of Café  DuMonde.” I heard a rumor that she then paid a Lestat look alike after the book was out to sit in that same window on Halloween to drink coffee while people walked by! I met her once and she told me “If Lestat was real; he would look just like you.”  I also own one of her gowns she wore at her Lestat Ball, a token from the all, a beer (unopened) that was made specifically for the Ball and two of her dolls from her personal collection. No, I’m not a stalker. My shrink calls me an “avid collector”.

Sherri Moon Zombie – Wife of Rob Zombie. Say what you will about Rob’s films and his casting of Sherri in everything he does, but the truth remains that she played one hell of a “crazy as a shit house rat” psychopath in her role of Baby Firefly. Her Go-Go style of modeling on most of his covers and inner art work isn’t bad stuff either.