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DON’T REST FOR THE WICKED by Kayla Herrera

Horror writers are a dime a dozen. They fall into several genres of splatter, psychological, startle, young adult, and boring, just to name a few. Then you come across one that unleashes a hellstorm of demons and makes you put the rest of you afternoon plans on hold as you shuffle your schedule around so that you can finish reading their work.

I have to say that the above experience just happened to me when I opened Kayla Herrera’s email and began to read the attached story. Like a good writer, she had me from the first line.

Maybe it was because Herrera knows how to hook a reader.  Maybe it was because the main character and I share common interests. Either way, I was on the hook and happily taking the bait.  I’m certain that you will enjoy the story in whole as much as I did the

Without further ado, I am proud to be able to present to you dear reader, the first of hopefully a series of short horror fiction works from this writer.

Follow her on Twitter @KaylaRHerrera

 

DON’T REST FOR THE WICKED

By Kayla Herrera

Rianna Trager loved a good pair of tits, more so than your average woman. It’s not that
she was a lesbian, but she could appreciate Nature’s blessing. She only just thought of this notion while glancing at a Victoria’s Secret billboard on Highway 41. The model’s bosom hung out like a couple of coconuts.

“They’re probably fake,” she muttered. Too perfectly round and symmetrical, slicked up with oil. Everyone knows a natural pair of breasts is never symmetrical. She eyed the breasts until she could not see the billboard any longer.

She had been driving for awhile now, on her way back up north from Chicago where she had a job interview at the Chicago Tribune.

Rianna remembered the first time she had seen Tribune Tower as a kid. It appeared like a palace reaching up towards the smoggy sky, ornate stone carvings adorning the sandy-colored building. She had been terrified and impressed simultaneously. Tall figures dressed in Chanel and Armani brushed past, blue-tooth headsets ringing and blackberries vibrating. As trite and as insipid as it seemed, it was the life Rianna yearned, a customary sensation unattainable throughout her childhood. Here she could make money, support herself and others, if needed, and walk the streets of Chicago like the others, noses kissing the sky. She could be somebody.

She gripped the steering wheel and slipped a tuft of straight, red hair behind her ear. The highway snaked out in front of her into the shadows, lost in the infinite number of gleaming headlights. She wasn’t a thick girl, mostly bone and skin like that of a model, natural even through the vast amounts of fast food consumed. Her eye color changed with her mood, green while sick or tired and hazel when content. Her almond-shaped eyes were easily decipherable by others and could spill a thousand distinctive stories.

Rianna writhed in her seat at the sudden bloated feeling near her bladder; she had to piss. She peered eagerly through the dark for a rest area sign.

It was the stretch between Houghton and Crystal Falls, MI that hindered the urine quest, a desolate and lifeless drive pressed amongst the pine trees, wildlife, Bigfoot and whatever else roamed the Northern forested area. In the back of her mind, she knew there was not a rest area
for miles, but maybe if she willed it enough, one would appear. No cell phone service and no gas stations terrified the electronically-obsessed and antsy college students returning home for break or going back up to school. Rianna had once been one of them.

Around a bend and out of the blackness appeared none other than a withered, green sign reading REST AREA, reflecting her headlights and seeming to glow.

“Bingo!”

Rianna turned right onto the dirt road and followed it shakily through the forest. Her car bounced and hiccupped with each rut. How odd that a dirt road leads to a rest area. The road opened up to a cement parking lot surrounding the small cabin like an asphalt moat. Two lamp
posts perched outside the cabin, casting yellow light onto the sidewalk.

She couldn’t hear the highway as she stepped out of her car and shut the door. The sound of the door reverberated off of the trees and she peered into the darkness as if contesting it to frighten her.  It appeared hefty and dense and surrounded her, billowing between the trees. Pines loomed over the lot and swayed silently in the breeze.

She traipsed towards the cabin and pushed the women’s bathroom door open. A single, flickering light lit the bathroom, casting the setting in a noir style. It was quiet, so quiet that the silence throbbed in waves against Rianna’s eardrums. She went to the handicapped stall, silently
admitting to herself that she enjoyed the extra space. Pushing open the stall door, she found no toilet. Only a grimy, tile floor stared back at her.

“What the hell?” She walked out and stopped in front of the only other stall. I’m totally fine pissing outside if it comes down to it.

She pushed the door back and was joyfully greeted by a sad, filthy toilet gassed out and shat to hell by hundreds of other women.

She latched the door, hung her purse on the hook, and lit a cigarette as her rear suctioned itself to the seat. Her mother had always said to squat, to avoid the public seat. Her mom had perfected the art of squatting and passed it on to her sister, but Rianna was too lazy and
nonchalant.

She shook out her match and tossed it on the floor and listened to the refreshing sound of her urine hitting the water. She pulled in a long drag and exhaled slowly, feeling the hot smoke waft out her mouth and against her upper lip and nose. She finished, wiped thoroughly, and with
cigarette hanging out the side of her mouth, proceeded to flush. As she bent down to press the handle, her key necklace snapped and fell into the mucky water below. Its white gold chain disappeared amongst the yellow-brown liquid.

“Damnit, damnit, damnit.”

That necklace was the first gift her fiancé had given her when they had started dating in college. She needed that necklace, no matter how much shit she had to dig through to get it. Her cigarette slipped from her lips limply and fell on the tile floor, coughing out red ash.
She leaned in close to the entrance of the bowl. It reeked of moldy corn, sewage and brussel sprouts. Specks of food and maybe a yellowed toenail clipping indicated this toilet had lacked the proper cleansing.

“God…” she said. Her face twisted in horror, lips puckered in disgust, as she reached her hand slowly towards the soupy liquid. Light green and brown crust stuck in the crevices of the bowl near the seat and she tried not to look at it. Briny tears tickled the corners of her eyes as she
fought them back.

Her fingers grazed the surface of the liquid and she felt the thick texture on her fingers, like blood or ketchup. The things I do for love. What a crack he’ll get out of this when I tell him, what a laugh he will chuckle. “Hey guys!” he will shout, “my wife dove into a rest area toilet just to get that necklace I bought for her! Desperate much?” and they will laugh, have a good ol’ guffawing time with his bar buddies, his fucking bar buddies.

She took one last breath and her hand dove into the liquid. As she felt around with her fingers, particles and undisclosed lumps flowed against her hand. She couldn’t even bear to look down, instead looking at the water-stained ceiling and trying to envision where her hand was
going.

The toilet gurgled loudly, bubbles disturbing the surface of the water.

“What the…” Rianna’s skin crawled and she began to tremble. Her heart raced and she felt light-headed. She had to keep going.

Then she felt it. Her fingertips brushed the small chain and she gripped it and pulled. The necklace was stuck. She wiggled down to the base of the problem and felt the dip to the porcelain hole. Somewhere in that hole, her necklace was wedged. She did not fathom what the necklace was stuck on, but followed the chain blindly with her fingers.

Reaching deeper, the water level was at her elbow now and she didn’t even care about the tufts of flesh and vomit chunk pushing against her skin. The toilet gargled again. Her heart fluttered uncomfortably and a hairy pit formed in her stomach. The tops of her thighs deadened
and felt unstable.

In the hole, she felt a couple hairs tingle the tips of her fingers, sharp like a needle first, and then numbing. It sent a surge of giddiness throughout her body and she wanted more, like a prey drawn to the intoxicating light of an angler fish. It took her back to days of the reefer in
college, sky-high in a mind-numbing land with fidgety thighs and plastered grins. There were melodies from the backdrop music, so profound and velvety that they weaved easily in and out of her pores, threading her body with the guitar riffs and beats of the drum. Yes, this is how she felt now.

She reached further into the hole and felt the hairs again, receiving another blast of psychedelic high. Somehow the hole was widening, like a snake’s throat adjusting to its prey. She didn’t take the time to realize. Her fingers still held the chain but she longed for the majestic hairs that tickled her fancy. Her nipples tingled with exhilaration and the water was now at her shoulder as she continued to reach further and deeper into the porcelain hole. Perhaps the tingling sensation was the fact the tips of her breasts hung in the liquid now, but again, she didn’t
care to look.

At that moment, she grasped a clump of the hairs in the hole and was blinded with a moment of ecstasy.

That ecstasy was quickly robbed by an immense pain in her hand and she realized something had a hold of her. She screamed desperately, her voice echoing within the bowl and filling her ears. The grip was incredibly potent, similar to the hands of an insect with sticky limbs numbingly attached to Rianna’s skin. One quick movement could mean the end of her arm. She easily slipped further and further into the pot and her lips kissed the toilet water.

With a tug, her head descended into the bowl and she didn’t dare open her eyes to welcome the feces particles and whatever else made its home there. Her mouth stamped closed, ears clouded by the thick water.

The once-porcelain bowl had turned into a slick tunnel and she felt her body slither down the throat. She couldn’t breathe and was losing air fast. The walls were ribbed and slimy and pulsed rhythmically.

Only her feet hung out of the toilet now and they kicked back and forth. Rianna’s eyes rolled to the back of her head and she gave up, and opened her mouth. Feces, urine, regurgitated bits, and other toilet goodies loaded her mouth and gripped her throat.

 Oh, what a laugh he, my lover, will have. And oh how I will laugh, to be ridden from his world.  

Her hand went limp.

With one final slurp, the toilet sucked down the rest of Rianna, slippery lips smacking with satisfaction of the quick meal. It gurgled, sputtered, and coughed up the silver key necklace onto the tile floor. The caretaker entered the bathroom the next morning to do routine cleaning, carrying the emaciated REST AREA sign that had hung near the highway the night before. He noticed the light was dull and used his stepladder to fix it.

Red-rimmed eyes and wrinkles pooling around the corners of his mouth, the caretaker grinned at the sight of the only toilet in the bathroom. A glint caught his eye and he knelt to investigate. He picked up the necklace, slime hanging in a long string, and eyed it in his calloused hand.

He had been taking care of this creature since he had found it deep in the woods twenty years ago, a shape-shifter who slipped into the wrong dimension. Reading his memories, the creature had taken the form of his late wife and they sat together on the stump near the meadow where it crashed, and talked. She explained to him that she would take the disguise of this contraption, and that all she needed him to do was to lure a being into the stall.

“I’ll do the rest.” Her voice was raspier than he had remembered. He does not know if it was because he faced his green-eyed, auburn-haired wife or if he felt benevolent that day, but he promised to take care of this creature and feed it once a year, to devote his life as he once did long ago.

He faced the toilet again, rubbing his filthy hands on his denim bibs.

“A bit bony for your liking, huh?” he said. He cocked his eyebrow and stuffed the necklace in his pocket. It gurgled lightly.

“Next year we’ll hopefully get a fatter one.

The toilet bubbled grotesquely with joy, spilling onto the floor. And the caretaker patted the toilet and began to mop up the floor.

Categories
Archives Interviews Music

Cold Blue Rebel With A Cause…An Interview with Mickey Finn of the Psychobilly Horror band, Cold Blue Rebels

coldbluerebels-1
Mickey Finn, lead singer of the Cold Blue Rebels

“He was a really cool guy. I’m so glad we got a chance to tour with him.” Mickey Finn says over his beer as we bond over Alice Cooper before Finn’s band takes the stage. That was the first time I met Mickey, a real down to Earth cat, yet very serious about horror movies, live undead chicks, and rock & roll. Finn is the lead singer of horror psychobilly band Cold Blue Rebels, who is entering the studio again this month to record new tracks and to do a few shows in Los Angeles around Halloween.

With two previous albums behind them, “Blood, Guts, and Rock & Roll” and “Love of the Undead” (all on Horror High Records) the Cold Blue Rebels have been on tour with Wednesday 13, played the Sunset Strip Music Festival, and headlined at the Whisky A Go Go in L.A. Blending horror with old school rockabilly and mixing in a little punk attitude, CBR is a band to watch. Bringing everything they have to give and leaving it on the stage when they are done, this band pays their dues and yours too. With an image of rock when it was still cool, dark denim and leather jackets (splashed with blood of course), Gretsch guitars, stand up basses, and horror makeup, CBR understand where rock music was, is, and where it will be in the future from a traditional sense and substance in mind. Be prepared when going to a CBR show, you will witness a real “Shock & Roll” experience like no other. Everything you think you knew up to that point was all filler, and no killer!

Since that first time that I met Finn I’ve made it point to catch up with him everytime CBR plays Houston. Is it his swinging band that croons old fashioned  rock music that drives me to the show? Maybe. Or is it because of the horror makeup and macabre atmosphere in the songs? Possibly. Maybe it is just the idea that Mickey Finn is a really cool guy and I’m glad that I got the chance to see a tour with him! Hell yeah, that’s it! Nailed it!

Renfield Rasputin: Tell us how you brought the Cold Blue Rebels together and chose the psychobilly path.

Mickey Finn: In 2006 I reunited with an old Hollywood friend Danny Dangerous. My band, Jetboy, had played shows with the Zeros, Danny’s band, and so we both had similar history in the punk and glam rock scenes. We found we were both big time Oldie Rock & Roll fans as well as Psychobilly fans. So, after talking about it for a short while, and with my wife Angelic egging us on us on, I finally challenged Danny to go out and buy an upright bass and learn how to play it and I would start a Psychobilly band with him! He did and so we did! CBR_Logo.42204656_std

R.R.: Well I’m really into what you are doing with the throwback to musical rock roots, and even the art on the disc, booklet, and the cover of your debut looking like an old EC Comic. How has that inspiration worked on some of the younger fans?

M.F.: We decided early on we were definitely going in the direction of a theatrical horror band with zombies the preferred topic of choice! We were lucky to work with David Frizell (dafrizell.com) through our label Horror High Records, who did a great job on our debut CD cover art and booklet. I think the band over all appeals to young and old and everything in between. If you’re a bit weird, have a sense of humor, and love good Rock n Roll we got something for you!

Click here for the Cold Blue Rebels “Love of the Undead” Official Video

R.R.: The majority of the songs are written by Danny and yourself. Do you find it more difficult when another person enters the writing process or are the two of you on the same mindset?

M.F.: Danny and I came up with some of the best tracks we’ve done to date, but Joe is also a great writer and Al Diablo seals the deal with his ideas, I love writing with all the guys there all great players and great singers, sometimes Danny, Joe, and I will work acoustically and get together rough idea, it usually flows really fast, we can have a batch of songs in a few sessions like this then we get in rehearsal and hash them out. Nothing shocking here when you got good chemistry its easy!

R.R.: Do you find it more difficult, considering your past band, to write songs that speed the music up, write melodies that make the music swing?

M.F.: No there’s no difference really Rock n Roll is all similar in structure, and I think I always had a bit of a twang to my voice as well as little rockabilly. Listen to the track Rock n Roller on Jetboy Damned Nation record, you’ll see what I mean. The roots of music is what it all goes back to. Blues, Country, Hillbilly, Bluegrass, ROCK N ROLL!!

R.R.: Do you have a specific song topic in mind when you start writing?

M.F.: Yes a lot of the time, most of the time, I start with a song title or at least a topic and theme. Sometimes a melody and lyric phrase will just pop into my head from Know where,…From beyond I guess.img_8722-1

R.R.: So CBR has tackled and mastered the topics of zombies, Satan, and serial killers. Is there a horror genre that you feel doesn’t fit the CBR mold such as vampires or witches? Is there a horror realm that CBR remains in or is there more area that they just haven’t gone to yet.

M.F.: Not really, I’m not opposed to a Vampire song there are some amazing Vamp movies I love, I just think they kinda played it out, we’ll see there’s so much creepy content to write about I love it all everything CREEPY! My birthday is on Halloween so everything in that realm will always be with us! Alot of the stories in the songs are inspired by movies of course, I love a good scary story so I try to tell complete tales and paint a gruesome picture!

R.R.: On you first album you did a Lieber/Stoller cover. Are there any other songs that you would like to cover that you feel fit CBR and maybe still blow fans minds? (I’m thinking of Bobby Bare’s “Marie Laveau” at the moment)

M.F.: Actually we will be back in the studio in a couple weeks to record a new single with a B-side. The B-side is “Kiss Me Deadly” by Generation X, so you can look for these 2 new tracks on a limited edition Vinyl and for download online on itunes.

R.R.: Tell us how a song that is not horror related, like “Whip Me One More Time” (which is one of CBR’s best by the way) ends up on a CBR album?

M.F.: Our influences run deep, and as much as we love the monster side of Horror, there are other strange and evil topics to cover also, SEX should always be an element in Rock & Roll, and of course for us it has to be nasty, and kinky!

R.R.: (Laughs) Okay, yeah, you’re right! No arguement there. (Laughs)

M.F. (Laughs)

R.R. When you are picking out a horror movie to watch, surely it will inspire a future song for you; so what are the characteristics in the horror that you prefer?

M.F.: I love high quality horror, of course the classic’s, and my wife and I have a huge collection of zombie gore, and B- Movies, I also love the old Godzilla Japanese movies ever since I was a kid. Evil Dead 2 is one of me all time favorites. I really love to be truly sacred and freaked out by a movie and usually it takes Exorcism and supernatural them stuff for that, also the Rob Zombie movies are soo creepy, theres just something about creepy country out back people!

Mickey Finn and Renfield backstage before a Cold Blue Rebels show.
Mickey Finn and Renfield backstage before a Cold Blue Rebels show.

R.R.: (Laughs) I represent that remark!

M.F. (Laughs)

R.R.: No, I get it and I agree. But you’ve been in the music business since the late 1980’s, while some artists are taking to recording and distributing their own albums via their websites, some still seek out smaller labels. What are your thoughts on how the music business has changed?

M.F.: It’s all different now, I think the need for a record lable at all is becoming lees and less, with digital technology and online networking all the tools most artists need anymore, but honestly I done have a clue where its all headed or where it will be in a few years, we’ll just have to wait and see, I could really care less, we are doing our own thing our own way at our own pace. We have to keep it fun and enjoyable or it’s not worth it.

R.R.: What’s helped this change?

M.F.: The Internet and digital recording technology.

R.R.: It’s made it easier for people to have their own home studios I guess. What about the music itself? What are your thoughts on how the music itself has changed?

M.F.: There’s less live raw vibe music being created, and frankly too many bands just don’t sound good in a live setting, I find that a bit sad and phony.

R.R.: I agree with you and that is what I appreciate about CBR, you guys sound as just as good as your records but yet still have that down and dirty feel that many bands lack live. Not like the old days of Iggy and the Stooges or New York Dolls. But let’s talk about putting out new releases. Crowd funding is becoming popular in the artistic world. Would you ever consider CBR using crowd funded project to release material?

M.F.: Possibly, but probably not, I’m not against it but fuck, we’re grown men, we can raise our own money for music projects and what not.

R.R.: Well said sir. On that topic of doing it yourself, I’ve spoken to you after you’ve dug your bus out of a snowstorm and through other ups and downs on the road. Tell us why it is important for people to buy albums and go out to shows to support their favorite acts?

ac4f9e3f652add83f9b44cd499e67dd5-1
Cold Blue Rebel Yell

M.F.: Because we work hard and give up much of our lives to create the art you love and touring for most bands at the club level just barley breaks even most of the time. Leaving a band no choice but to tour relentlessly to try to survive, only to be broke asses when you’re in between records and tours. Life on the road is tiring, dangerous, and brutal physically, and mentally. Missing your loved ones is never easy.

R.R.: So, Halloween is coming up. Any plans?

M.F.: I will be in the studio with CBR, and we are playing a select few shows in Arizona, LA, and Las Vegas, Then I plan to be back home in Hawaii with my wife for my birthday on the 31st.

R.R.: Only Mickey Finn would have a Halloween birthday! So it’s like your song “Pumpkin King” says… “I was born on Halloween, to rock this world like you’ve never seen!” Well happy early, man! So, what is going on with the band right now?

M.F.: We are gearing up for next year, we worked hard for 4 years and needed a break, but 2015 we plan on getting out across the US again on tour and hopefully more new music.

R.R.: Looking forward to it. Anything else that you want to say to the CBR fans? You have the mic!

M.F.: Keep Creepy and rock till the grave and beyond!!

Click here for the Cold Blue Rebels Zombie Love (Official Video)

 

Check and the Cold Blue Rebels on Facebook and Twitter as well as their website coldbluerebels.com for merchandise, news, and tour dates.  

Catch the Cold Blue Rebels as they will be playing at the Whisky A Go-Go on Thursday Oct. 30th. 

 

Renfield Rasputin can tell you no lies and can’t keep his hands to himself.

Categories
Archives Renfield's Resurrection

Worst. Halloween. Decorations. Ever. Part II

Welcome back to my second year of “Worst. Halloween. Decorations. Ever.” special!  This year’s cornucopia of crap comes from the people that brought you White Trash and Ghetto Fab America, Wal-Mart, and the stars of discounts for dummies K-Mart, as well as the upper-class with no class Target.   And lastly and leastly, the store that every Family Dollar aspires to be…You wanted the best, well they couldn’t make it…so here’s Big Lots.  Everyone hold their applause. (Insert cricket noises here.)

Maybe it because I’m a purist, and I don’t take my Halloween lightly. Maybe it is because I hold the holiday sacred and appreciate the thought that many put into their decorations and costumes. Maybe it is because I’m an asshole. No, that’s not it…I’m far past that.

Here is my abbreviated list of things that you should be embarrassed to owning.  If you do own any of these items that I am about to rip to shreds, don’t admit to it, just burn them in a small bonfire out on a dirt road somewhere so that they may never tarnish our beloved holiday again.

I want to send a special “Up Yours!” to Target and Wal-mart for having such craptastic software that disables viewers from downloading their pictures. They probably know what I was going to do with them! I highly encourage you to follow their links to see such train wrecks.

But Mommy I Don’t Wanna Grow Up Adult Costume

 http://www.walmart.com/ip/But-Mommy-I-Don-t-Wanna-Grow-Up-Adult-Halloween-Costume/16915262

(I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED TO LET ANYONE COPY THIS PICTURE IF I WERE WAL-MART ALSO)

Yeah, because you are not douchey enough as it is, so here is a costume for you! Why does “Mommy’s” fac e look like she smells a dirty diaper? Here is what I really want to know: How much did they pay this model? Can you imagine the conversation he had with his friends and family after this photo shoot?

Model: So I modeled for a few costumes and they are going to be on Wal-Mart’s website.

Friend: Oh yeah? Which costumes? Batman? Jason? The banana?

Model: Not exactly.

Friend: Well which ones man?

(Model goes to laptop and pulls up the page)

Model: Yeah? Yeah? What do you think.

(Friend gets up with his beer and walks off)

Model: What? I needed the money!

Well, at least it isn’t the pregnant nun costume again. FAIL!

 

Walking Tongue Clown

 TongueClown

http://www.kmart.com/walking-tongue-clown-halloween-decoration/p-009W006530395001P?prdNo=36&blockNo=36&blockType=G36

Clowns are already bothersome. The last thing that we need is some animatronic “Douchey the Clown” that has a “walking tongue”. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m damn sure not interested in finding out. The description says “massive tongue”. Now I welcome you to make any sexual joke that you want here folks, but may I just remind you that the tongue is still attached to a five foot robotic clown that looks like it has scabies. Oh! Not so turned on anymore, huh? Fail!

 

Totally Ghoul Animated Dancing Skeleton

 DancingSkeleton1

http://www.kmart.com/totally-ghoul-animated-dancing-skeleton-halloween-decoration/p-009W001949656006P?prdNo=42&blockNo=192&blockType=G192&blockNo=192&blockType=G192

Dances to Flashdance’s  terrible dance (s)hit “Flashdance…Oh What A Feeling”. Do I really need to make fun of this turd or can you already see the humor in just how dumb this really is? Who really needs a skeleton in a coffin dressed as Jem and the Holograms, that shakes its hips to late 80’s dance music that sync to LED lights? This item had so much potential until they gave it to the intern and let them finish the project. Can you imagine everyone sitting around the meeting table:

BOSS: Any ideas of what the skeleton can dance to?

1st EMPLOYEE: I think all the kids like that Rob Zombie guy.

2nd EMPLOYEE: You know Alice Cooper has that “Welcome to My Nightmare” song. That scares my wife.

BOSS: Hmm. Yeah. You! The new guy in the back, stand up. Do you have any ideas?

INTERN: Uh…I like Flashdance…Maybe?

BOSS: You’re gonna go far kid!

Fail!

Zombie Rooster

 

http://www.spirithalloween.com/product/rl-zombie-rooster/

Just what every urban apartment needs to complete their Halloween decor. Cock-a-doodle crap! A zombie rooster…Let me say that again. “Zombie…Rooster”.  At what point do we stop and say “Enough with the Goth-damn zombies!”  Does anyone else other than me think that this crap is a little too much? Everything is now a zombie. I just saw a zombie yard gnome the other day. But now they make a zombie roo-  fuck this shit. Fail.

 

Glitter Glass Skull

GLitterSkull1414010388139

http://www.biglots.com/p/c/glitter-collection/glitter-vintage-glass-skull

Glitter? Repeat after me…”Hall-O-Ween”. Name me one horror movie where the kill scene involved glitter. We aren’t following the Yellow Brick Road, Dorothy. We’re trying to drown people in blood here, not make them feel a sense of comfort. Fail.

 

Silk’NPetals Rainbow Floral Leis 50 ct

(PICTURE NOT AVAILABLE BECAUSE TARGET’S WEBSITE IS A LITTLE BITCH)

http://www.target.com/p/silk-npetals-rainbow-flral-leis-50-ct/-/A-12778064#prodSlot=medium_12_23

Target…Just how the fuck did this even make it into the Halloween décor section? You had one job! Fail.

Black Bat Car Costume

(PICTURE NOT AVAILABLE BECAUSE TARGET’S WEBSITE IS A LITTLE BITCH)

 http://www.target.com/p/black-bat-car-costume/-/A-12777544#prodSlot=medium_13_3

VROOOOMMM! Look out folks the crapmobile is rolling into town!

Wow. Words escape me for this one. Christmas is just around the corner and we have to be tormented in traffic by the festive person in front of us that insists on dressing their Hyundai up as Rudolf, but now we have to ruin the image of every horror fan’s favorite nocturnal mammal. Now I understand why all the cars in Maximum Overdrive were pissed; they thought we were going to dress them up like we do all of our yappy lap dogs. Fail.

 

Crashing Witch Betty Bash

 crashing witch

http://www.biglots.com/p/c/halloween-home-decor/crashing-witch-betty-bash

This joke wasn’t funny when I was 8, and it still isn’t funny now that I’m 38. The fact is; it sucks. I really like how the manufacturer thinks all witches are green “little people” with near sighted navigational problems. I also like how the description says “Hanging up is a breeze”. Oh ho ho- ZIINNNGGG! See what they did there! Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck. Do you know what a “floater” is? It is a turd that will just not go down the toilet no matter how many times you flush. This, my friends, is a floater. This made my list last year and you can bet that it damn sure will make my list next year, and the next year after that until they stop making this piece of shit. Fail.

 

Buried in the Lawn Skeleton

 buriedskeleton

http://www.hearthsong.com/halloween/buried-in-the-lawn-skeleton-halloween-decoration.htm

Quick survery: Who has ever seen a corpse on The Walking Dead, or Day of the Dead, or Dawn of the Dead, or What-the-Hell-Ever of the Dead rise out of the ground in the Missionary position? It is as if to say “Hey baby! Wanna see my boner?” or for you nonperverted people, (such as myself) would say “Help, I’ve fallen into the lawn!” I’m hoping to find a cheap store bought plastic skeleton and lay it on top of my neighbor’s in a 69 style position just to piss them off. Then maybe he’ll stop putting this outside where I have to look at it every time I get into my hearse.  I hope the guy that thought this up dies from a horribly disfiguring brain aneurism. Biggest. Fucking. Fail. Ever!

 

People listen to the words that I say. Don’t be the house in your neighborhood that is known as the “half ass Halloween decorator”. The only thing that is worse than having shitty decorations is having a shit load of shitty decorations thrown all together as if you just did a $100 shopping spree at the dollar store and nothing matches. You’ve seen the type; A hanging 7-ft devil, three bad Styrofoam tombstones, an inflatable friendly ghost riding a tractor, and a string of light up Frankenstein heads along the sidewalk.  Look, just set out a jack-o-lantern and call it a night, huh?

I get it if you have kids, you don’t want to scare them and turn them off to Halloween all together. Maybe then just scale it back to a couple of jack-o-lanterns and a few Casper rip offs. My kids are still very young and they are used to rotting corpses and ghostly faces that appear in the fog in my front yard. Hell, they play in my man cave and there is a reason that the family has named it “The Morgue”. I’m just saying that there is a fine line between child friendly and stupid. Wanna guess which the above decorations fall under?

However you decide to embarrass your family this Halloween, please keep in mind to stay safe. Ghosts, goblins, and ghouls all come out to play and insert rusty razor blades into your candy apples by the flickering of the bonfire lights. Watch out for each other, and as always…

Stay scared!

ricky

Renfield Rasputin writes horror, lies, and bullshit that you believe.

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Archives Posts Renfield's Resurrection

Motley Brew. Renfield’s pick for Halloween and horror themed beers.

It shouldn’t take one very long to notice that even alcohol companies are merging into the dark side with horror themed drinks and containers as well as horror themed people are merging into the alcohol (Marilyn Manson’s “Mansinthe”).  Today you can walk into your friendly robbery-free liquor store and see that Tekillya (sorry, couldn’t resist) comes in a Dia de los Muertos glass skull and they also distill blood red vodka that is appropriately named (name withheld until they give me a sponsorship).  Lately, internet rumors be damned, I’ve seen more craft breweries pop up and more horror themes associated with them.

 

Now as every unlucky reader of my articles knows that I am a whiskey, moonshine, absinthe, rum, beer kinda ghoul, and I have at times been guilty of having too much blood in my alcohol system. So stroll on over to your cooler and pick out your favorite adult beverage and pull up a morgue slab. I’m going to give you a run down on my favorite horror related beers for the Halloween season.

blackmetalbeer

10. Black Metal Imperial Stout, Jester King Brewery, Austin TX – Not for sissies, this beer is chewable! Pitch black beer with a dark brown head, it is by far the darkest brew I have ever come across. It is an overdose of the rarest hops and brewed using Texas Hill country well water that gives it a highly bitter taste and a thick weight to the palate. The aftertaste has a bitter dark chocolate reminisce. 9.3% ABV. So it is not exactly horror, but very, very metal!

arrogant bastard

9. Arrogant Bastard, Stone Brewing Co., Escondido CA – If you thought that the last beer was an acquired taste, try this one! Dark body, with about a 1” thick tan head. It gives a strong caramel aroma, but the hops make your taste buds stand up and surrender. Tread lightly with this one. The label has a angry devil on the front with the warning that states “You’re NOT Worthy”. Yeah, I guess I’m not. 7.2% ABV

Angry-Orchard-Strawman-logo1

8. Strawman, Cider, Angry Orchard. – Yeah, I know cider isn’t beer but hey, I like apples…(no I’m not going to do the Good Will Hunting joke. That’s all. I like apples. Is there a problem?) A fine line between tart and tangy as well as earthy tones. Want a change but yet something that will slide right into the mood of the fall season? You’re welcome. 10% ABV

deadguyale

7. Dead Guy Pale Ale, Rogues Ale, Newport OR – Now here is a daily drinker. Deep amber color with a light tan head. It has a nutty aroma that reminds me of a Newcastle Brown Ale. The funny thing about this beer is that it tastes just like it smells with a hint of vanilla to the tastes. As a bonus, if you can find “Double Dead Guy Ale”, that is another must! I don’t understand the skeletal corpse on the label that wears a Pope hat and sits on a keg. Somebody isn’t getting a good seat in church this Sunday! 6.6% ABV

 (PICTURE OMITTED BECAUSE WORDPRESS IS BEING A LITTLE BITCH)

6. Devil’s Backbone, Belgian Style Tripel, Real Ale Brewing Co., Blanco TX – Named after the scenic (and haunted) ridge that runs through Blanco and Wimberly Texas. This is a light amber body with a medium tan head. Made using Czech yeast it has a strong acidic taste but a warm and woody aftertaste. Brewed using water from the Blanco River that is near the brewery the body is light weight and always tastes fresh. It has no preservatives so do not expect to find this beer served anywhere outside of a 500 mile radius from the brewery. 8.1% ABV (This one will sneak up on you!)

Zombie-Dust beer

5. Zombie Dust, Pale Ale, Three Floyd’s Brewing Co., Munster, IN – With the zombie craze in full effect, why not? A little lighter and with more citrus taste but still in the same vein as Dead Guy Ale. Light brown to copper color. Daryl Dixon would be proud. 6.2% ABV

Permanent_Funeral beer

4. Permanent Funeral, Pale Ale, Three Floyd’s Brewing Co., Munster, IN – Again these guys make the list. I can’t help it if they make quality beer! With help in the concoction from the band “Pig Destroyer”, you know this beer is going to be a motherfucker! So take the Zombie dust and lighten the flavor again, turn the color more golden and BAM; you have Permanent Funeral. I haven’t seen this beer in awhile and I think that it was discontinued to make room for the Zombie Dust. Damn shame. 5.2% ABV

lafindumonde

3. La Fin Du Monde, Tripel, Unibroue  Chambley, Quebec, Canada – Translated to mean “The end of the world”, this dark gold brew with a thick white head offers less bitterness and more of a citrus spicy kick. With shades of lemon and coriander it is more like Colorado’s Blue Moon. You’ll think it is the end of the world when your glass goes empty! 9.0% ABV

no1s

2. Nightmare on 1st St, Pumpkin Ale, No Label Brewing. Katy, TX – You just knew that a pumpkin spice beer was going to make it in here eventually, sorry to make you wait for it. This one ranks up here so high because I have a problem with all other pumpkin spice beers. There is always too much spice and not enough pumpkin. Not in this case. Like a morgue scale, this has perfect balance. This is a very limited season run but it you can find it, stock up like I did. Come to think of it, I may be the reason you can’t find it. 9.27% ABV

blackenedvoodoo

1. Blackened Voodoo Lager, Dixie Brewery, New Orleans LA– This beer is as black as my soul, with a rich chestnut colored head and caramel aroma. It delivers a medium weight to the palate and a smoky aftertaste. Based out of the Dixie Brewery in New Orleans this beer was a residential secret for many years until recently it has been marketed to nearby Texas and Louisiana cities. The spooky swamp pictured on the label draws you in because; well swamps actually do look like that down here. 5% ABV

 

Well there you have it folks; the screwed up things that I will do to my liver to bring you folks the best news information. Please remember to drink carefully and have a designated driver if you are going to partake in any of this dreadful goodness.

And as a victim of a DUI accident, I encourage you to drink responsibly.

Stay scared my pretties!

Renfield Rasputin

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Renfield writes horror crap, and gets unusually excited about the yearly release of Count Chocula cereal.

 

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Archives Movie Reviews

Annabelle…Its not the doll you need to worry about.

Annabelle_doll_the_conjuring

Warning!!! This review contains spoilers.

I’ve just enjoyed about a third of a bottle of 1835 brand whiskey so let’s cut to the chase. I for one like the movie. I’m sure a lot of people out there will say that this movie was nothing more than just a money grab for anyone who enjoyed the Conjuring; however there is a little bit of truth to the story so for that reason I’m going to go watch it and I’m glad I did. Let’s start by saying exactly why it was that this movie has potential.

For starters the doll (who is actully NOT Annabelle) is not the point of the movie. The doll serves to objectify evil only for the supernatural occurrences that are contained therein.

A little background; the movie is based in the late 60s when Charles Manson and his family have set L.A. on its side and that sets the premise for the rest of the movie for people  to fear the anti hippie movement that cults were known for at the time. I think that is enough terrifying.

I enjoyed the writing. Everything has a purpose and a reason for its being in the movie. Unfortunately that leads to predictability. But if you are enjoying the story, who cares? I felt that the writer covered his ass and left no frayed ends to the script. Kudos!

Here us what many are going to have a problem with. People such as Mrs. Rasputin were waiting for the doll to turn into something creepy and get up and do something.  Nope, not in this movie!  I enjoy the fact that none of this ever happens. When I tried to rationalize with Mrs. Rasputin that we did not go to see another  “Child’s Play”  and we are programmed to watch horror movies and think that the doll is going to do something.  I can appreciate the fact that it doesn’t mimic another horror movie.

 

Annabelle-real-doll

The actual “Annabelle” doll. Property of Ed and Lorraine Warren.

I do have to say that if you have children or have younger children close to you, it will disturb you more than if you don’t. The writer/directors place the star’s baby in the danger position and most if the emotions the viewer will have will be to fear for the child. If you don’t have kids, this probably won’t affect you as much. However the movie does rely on a lot of scares and being that most of the movie is a cross between Child’s Play and the Conjuring, one is probably getting weary of all the supernatural movies that have been the trend for the last few years. I am just glad that this is not another found footage movie. For other people I’m sure that they will be thankful that there is no evidence of a sequel in the making.

You know what I say, do t take my word for it, opinions are like assholes…everyone has one and most are full of shit. I dug it but Mrs Rasputin hated it. If this made sense, score! If not, I blame the whiskey.